Postby jeepers » August 18th, 2010, 8:57 am
hmmmmm. Its really simple actually.
Things You'll Need:
* cujones that clank
* throw away cell phone
* unscented baby wipes
* heart of stone
* nerves of steel
#1
Pre-Game: Take note of your normal habits, so that you can realistically imitate your daily routine after you are rejuvenated by wild sex with an attractive stranger who never tries to domesticate or emasculate you. Seriously, read Cosmo when you get a chance; they are keenly aware of such things.
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2
Set the Stage: Take a mental inventory of places that you and your significant other go together, may possibly go in the future, or have contact with mutual friends or business associates. Give all of these places a wide berth and consider them COMPLETELY OFF LIMITS. Believe me, you don't want any strays following you home.
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3
Choose Your Weapons: A supply of travel sized hygiene items and cologne will come in handy, preferably identical to those you use at home (changes in grooming habits or products are a red flag).Throw in some unscented baby or facial wipes for good measure (If you don't know what these are for skip ALL remaining steps, go home, and watch reruns of "Friends" with your special Ice Queen ).Make sure you have a ready supply of condoms (if you are a female DO NOT leave this up to the guy; it's kind like asking your dog to watch your baby-back ribs). Most importantly, get a pre-paid cell phone. Hide all this stuff in a small shaving kit type bag, and stash it in the car(try places like special tire jack compartments, under the spare, or even behind the console) or at work.
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4
Aquire Target: The choices are endless, really. A college girl with poorly defined moral values, a cougar with nothing better to do, or perhaps a stripper who can't seem to find a guy who's OK with her job ... whatever floats your dirty little boat. Just make sure to take whatever precautions you can to avoid anyone clingy or needy ... they may be inspired to track you down when you pull the plug. It's best to tell your new friend the deal up front, if possible. "Rebound Guy" is a great job if you can get it, and finding another cheater is even better; you both start out with a vested interest in keeping quiet.
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5
Let's Make A Deal: Be sure to lay out clearly defined rules to your Bendable Gumby Girl. Make your intentions crystal clear. If you start getting attached, she may be having similar feelings ... it's time to abort this mission, soldier. If you have trouble making a clean break from your fledgling mistress, try being enough of a jerk that she has to cut YOU loose.
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6
Go to church, confess and schedule therapy. You are a horrible, horrible person. Welcome to the Cheater's Club! There is no escape, we have a booth reserved in Hell.
Tips & Warnings
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Be discreet! Have your fun and keep it on the low.
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Consider keeping a change of clothes at work or the office.
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Make a habit of checking your clothes for makeup stains (rubbing alcohol removes most lipstick, but if in doubt, throw it out!)
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Some would warn against this, but I like to keep a single friend in the know so that he/she can cover for you, for example: "Yeah, he was here watching the game with us, but he left a few minutes ago. ..I think he said his phone was dying... He's definitely not cheating on you! I'm sure he'll be there soon!", followed by a quick pre-prepared warning text message, possibly in code.
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Avoid throwing around guilty giveaways, like being overly affectionate or buying unwarranted gifts.
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ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS lock and erase your throw away phone in case it is discovered; if possible set it to erase automatically, and don't forget the call log.
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NEVER EVER use a credit card or write a check while out on extramarital adventures... it WILL come back to haunt you!
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It can't be stressed enough: USE THOSE CONDOMS!!!
thats a man law violation right there
