stalest joke competiition

[integra]

THIS IS AH OLD ONE BUT AH KINDA LIKE IT

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they decide to stop at a nice hotel and take a room. They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk explains that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager enters the conversation and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows which the hotel is famous for. 'The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

The manager is unmoved. Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and hands it to the manager. 'But sir,' the managers says, 'this check is only made out for $100.'

'That's right,' replies the man. 'I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.'

'What! I didn't sleep with your wife!' exclaims the manager.

'Well,' the man replies, 'she was here, and you could have!!

[COROLLA KID]

*Me buying condoms at the store* Cashier: "Would you like a bag?" Me: "No it's ok, she's not that ugly."

[Spitfir3]

Ed an Dan where drinkin at a bar
Ed went to the washroom and a few minutes came back cussing loudly
Dan asked “what you getting on so for?”
Ed replied, “Hoss ah f**king man now pull out ah gun @ me an say suck he pr**k or he go Shoot meh!!!”
Dan asked “So wah yuh do?”
Furiously Ed replied “Yuh hear any F**king Gunshots?

[moti]

My grandmother had a budgie that could say "Who is it?"

One day a plumber came to fix a leaking pipe while my grandparents were out. He knocked on the door and the budgie said, "Who is it?"
The plumber had been told my granny was a little deaf so he shouted through the letter box, "It's the plumber come to fix the pipe!"
The budgie said, "Who is it?"
It's the plumber come to fix the pipe!", shouted the plumber.
"Who is it?"
It's the plumber come to fix the pipe!"
"Who is it?"
It's the plumber come to fix the pipe!"
This went on for some time until the plumber collapsed from exhaustion.
Just then my grandparents came back and saw the plumber lying on the floor. My grandfather tried to wake him up.
"Who is it?", screamed my granny.
And the budgie said, "It's the plumber come to fix the pipe!"

[Zarr]

Why cant fay ann get pregnant as long as machel around???




Cuz once machel around bunji always pullin out>>>

[Spitfir3]

Why cant fay ann get pregnant as long as machel around???




Cuz once machel around bunji always pullin out>>>

ogoaarr

[TG7788]

A guy was hanging out in a bar when this really ugly girl came up to him, rub up on his shoulder and said:
Girl: Give me your number nah, sexy
Guy: Do you have a pen?
Girl: Yes
Guy: Well you better go back to it before the farmer find out you missing.

[cinco]

hahahahaahaahahahaha

[mitsu_chick941]

[Rooki3]

My grandmother had a budgie that could say "Who is it?"

One day a plumber came to fix a leaking pipe while my grandparents were out. He knocked on the door and the budgie said, "Who is it?"
The plumber had been told my granny was a little deaf so he shouted through the letter box, "It's the plumber come to fix the pipe!"
The budgie said, "Who is it?"
It's the plumber come to fix the pipe!", shouted the plumber.
"Who is it?"
It's the plumber come to fix the pipe!"
"Who is it?"
It's the plumber come to fix the pipe!"
This went on for some time until the plumber collapsed from exhaustion.
Just then my grandparents came back and saw the plumber lying on the floor. My grandfather tried to wake him up.
"Who is it?", screamed my granny.
And the budgie said, "It's the plumber come to fix the pipe!"

fitting addition as per thread title

[mostwanted]

NEVER LIE TO A SMART WOMAN..

Man : "Honey I've been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get d promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We're leaving from office & I'll swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pajamas!"
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being a good wife she did exactly as her husband said.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but looking good..
The wife welcomed him & asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill & a few Swordfish. But why didn't u pack my blue silk pajamas?"

You'll love the answer..!!

"I did.. They're in your fishing box!!

[minipresident]

[minipresident]

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.
...
"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister,..... but then I wouldn't have a siren!"




*****

[Spitfir3]

Every morning John would walk by stop and give the resident beggar $100
After a while John started to give the beggar $60.00
The Beggar noticing that his money has been reduced was not too pleased, but said nothing
John then dropped to $40.00
The Beggar noticing the further decrease became upset and decided to speak to John about it.
He stopped John one morning after accepting the $40.00 and said
'Wah happening bai'.. yuh use to give me $100 den yuh cut it down to $60.00 now is $40.00 wa goin on?'

John replied, 'Boy times get hard
Meh eldest boy just start university and meh daughter now in High School...so you know how it is.'

The now angry beggar asked in a tone of disbelief
'So wait nah... yuh mean to tell me that is outa MY money yuh sending YOUR chirren to school???'

[battlefield 3]

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the firetruck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

[*$kїđž!™]

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the firetruck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

[mostwanted]

Well Wally gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says “Where the hell have you been?” Wally replies “I was out getting a tattoo!”

“A tattoo”? She frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates” he said proudly.

“What the hell were you thinking”? She said, shaking her head in disgust. “Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”

“Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”

[k tech corp.]

one day this guy was walking dwn the road and saw this thick indian girl wearing a short pink tights he said to her babe i would like to get in those tights the girl replied one c u n t is enough in there..

[skylinechild]

this one is from my supervisor in work...not stale but funny as hell...

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam "

[mitsu_chick941]

Did you know that Eagles mate for life?



Well, one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead.
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady
eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate.
He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good
but all the dove would say is, 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a
DOVE, I want to love!'
Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again
the sex was good but all the loon would say is......., 'I am a LOON, I
want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'
So out with the loon.
Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck
and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great,
but all the duck would say was.....,
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> NO, The duck didn't say THAT...!!
> > ... Don't be SO disgusting!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The duck said....,
> 'I am a DRAKE, you made a MISTAKE.........!!!!!!!!!

[shaha87]

Four Friends - Tambran, Ice, Curry, & Currants walking down the road when dey hear a gun shot,
BODOOOW!!!

Currants roll, Ice scream, Curry Duck and Tambran bawl...

[TG7788]

Old man talking about the good ole days with his son.
Old man: Son, when I was your age, I used to go to the grocery with $5.00 and come back home with two bag full of supplies. Is rice, flour, salt, sugar, etc, etc. Plus $2.99 in change.

Son: Whey sah, cyah do dat today nah pops.

Old man: Sure right, it have too much security camera now.

[turbosingh]

Four Friends - Tambran, Ice, Curry, & Currants walking down the road when dey hear a gun shot,
BODOOOW!!!

Currants roll, Ice scream, Curry Duck and Tambran bawl...

Well look thing!

[shaha87]

what did the super secret agent biscuit said to crix?


my name is bon, burbon

[geodude]

Husband came home late at night from a party. His wife shouted: How would u feel if u dont see me for 2 days? He couldnt believe his luck. He replied at once.''That would be great..!'' Monday passed & he didn't see her. Tuesday & wednesday passed too. On Thursday the swelling was better & he could see her from the corner of his left eye..!!

[chippy]

A Chinese man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2100 yuan and walked out with $300. The following week, he walked in with another 2100 yuan, and was handed $276. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week. The teller said, "Fluctuations." The Chinese man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

[cake]

A boat full of mother-in-laws was going down the islands and the boat sank, everyone died, people cried for a week, a man was still crying after 2 weeks, when asked why he was still crying he said my mother-in-law missed the boat... .

[stev]

The husband leans over and asks his wife,
'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you..' 'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation And, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in....
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises And moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, The old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, This is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must've had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

[stev]

Pardna decide to hide in a boat loaded with green fig being shipped to the USA.So he paint himself green an hid in between the bunches. Well when he reach the US all d fig ripe.

[boostornuttin]

Pardna decide to hide in a boat loaded with green fig being shipped to the USA.So he paint himself green an hid in between the bunches. Well when he reach the US all d fig ripe.