Planning to Have a Child?

[bluefete]

Read this first.

Think you are ready to have children? Hilarious new parent test taking mummy blogs by storm MIGHT just put you off....

By Bianca London

PUBLISHED: 15:05 GMT, 16 October 2012 | UPDATED: 15:05 GMT, 16 October 2012



Most broody mothers see having a child as a wonderful gift from God but one anonymous blogger has set about putting paid to that ideal.

A candid new parent test highlighting the high and lows of motherhood is taking the internet by storm after being reposted on countless mothering blogs.

The test - 14 steps to follow before you have children - was recently posted on Mamami by Chet, who was sent the parenting test by a friend.



Test 1: Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy

1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.

2. Leave it there.

3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself

2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.



Test 2: Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild.

Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.


Test 3: Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.

2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.

4. Set the alarm for 3am.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea..

6. Go to bed at 2.45am.

7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.

9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.

10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.


Test 4: Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hangout.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.



Test 5: Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.

2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.

3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.

4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.

5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.



Test 6: Going for a walk


a. Wait.

b. Go out the front door..

c. Come back in again.

d. Go out.

e. Come back in again.

f. Go out again.

g. Walk down the front path.

h. Walk back up it.

i. Walk down it again.

j. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.

k. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.

l. Retrace your steps..

m. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.

n. Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.


Test 7: Conversations with children

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.


Test 8: Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.

2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.

3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.


Test 9: Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Hollow out a melon

2. Make a small hole in the side

3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side

4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.

5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.

6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.


Test 10:TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.

2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.


Test 11: Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:


1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains

2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?

4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor and proceed with step 5.

5. Drag randomly items from one room to another room and leave them there.



Test 12: Long Trips with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.

2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.


Test 13:Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.

2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.


Test 14: Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.

2. Put on your finest work attire.

3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it

4. Stir

5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt

6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture

7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel

8. Do not change (you have no time).

9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!


Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/artic ... z29ajxUnk8
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[DTAC]

Most tuners don't "plan" for a child!!! More of a, "Hey, guess what?"

[pioneer]

Clearly women from laventille/beetham don't know about these things. They just make babies, put on a sad face on TV and say the government needs to provide for them or else they will turn to crime.

When the goons grow up/reach +6ft tall, demand the government sends the goons on a basketball scholarship so they can play in the NBA, make money abroad and contribute zero to our economy.

[~Vēġó~]

^^^agreed....

[Ronaldo95163]

I wah ah gyul chile for obvious reasons

[noshownogo]

this thread wouldn't have stung so much if I wasn't living it...

FML

[zoom rader]

Clearly women from laventille/beetham don't know about these things. They just make babies, put on a sad face on TV and say the government needs to provide for them or else they will turn to crime.

When the goons grow up/reach +6ft tall, demand the government sends the goons on a basketball scholarship so they can play in the NBA, make money abroad and contribute zero to our economy.

The PNM tuners gonna hate you for your facts

[Rainman]

:rofl: this thread wouldn't have stung so much if I wasn't living it...

FML

lol yunnastan


Few people understand what parents with a newborn have to go through.

[hydroep]

LOL...Many of child bearing age in this new generation eh have the patience for that. That is why the birth rate...in a certain demographic...is declining...

[TeamH2O]

LOL, i see many people who was not ready and and think bcuz it happened, it will be a breeze. Some of them, children rel badly behaved, no training nothing for anything.

But myself now, i prefer to do all the hard work now, than regret it later and have trouble right thru. I wanna be able to stay driving my turbo 4 door.

[rfari]

Funny read. Enjoyed it

[sharkman121]

I wah ah gyul chile for obvious reasons

nah you can count that out...you'd have to fcuk somebody first.

[Bareback]

:rofl: this thread wouldn't have stung so much if I wasn't living it...

FML

So what you're saying is that you're from Laventille with a +6ft baby who plays basket ball and you were on TV aksin for Jostiss and money to take care of your over grown, basket ball playing, gun toting baby? Ok then!


LOL at time of post: 2:55am have fun :):)

[ismithx]

lol..... having a child doesn't have to be so hellish....

[RBphoto]

*Legitimacy*

[noshownogo]

lol..... having a child doesn't have to be so hellish....

yeah? That's called abandoning

[JoKeR1980]

:rofl: this thread wouldn't have stung so much if I wasn't living it...

FML

lol yunnastan


Few people understand what parents with a newborn have to go through.

ikr

[Rainman]

:rofl: this thread wouldn't have stung so much if I wasn't living it...

FML

lol yunnastan


Few people understand what parents with a newborn have to go through.

ikr

[shotta 20]

:rofl: this thread wouldn't have stung so much if I wasn't living it...

FML

X2

[sharkman121]

thank god my child mother have more patience than me yes

[apple109]

Okkk so thanks, now I know my child isnt abnormal.

[Rahtid]

lol..... having a child doesn't have to be so hellish....

It isnt really like that yo.

[moti]

:rofl: this thread wouldn't have stung so much if I wasn't living it...

FML

lol yunnastan


Few people understand what parents with a newborn have to go through.

i only laughing cause it's true

and lol at if you want more than one then carry same amount of goats

[Chimera]

[moti]

^^ saw that commercial the other day and couldn't stop laughing.......then looked at my son and wondered if he may ever do that as he loves cars sooooo much

[RBphoto]

Sometimes, late at night, if the kid starts to cry, I need to go into the car, put on AC, put on his lulaby CD, put on hazzard light and let him play with the windshield wiper/ washer till he gets back sleepy. Dunno how much scratch my windshiled will have just now

Doh ask me how he get that bad habbit.... when you want to sleep, you will be willing to try anything

[mitsu_chick941]

Allyuh making it sound like punishment lol, ofcourse it isnt easy but don't forget to not let the good times pass you by.

I have lots of experience around kids and i'm glad when the time comes to hand over to the parents *whewww*, children these days are a handful. Dreads when the time comes that i have no one to hand over too.


But nevertheless, babies are so adorable.

[JoKeR1980]

:rofl: this thread wouldn't have stung so much if I wasn't living it...

FML

lol yunnastan


Few people understand what parents with a newborn have to go through.

ikr

this vicarious thing is hard work meng

[Sky]

Stress level so high, all he could do is laugh yes. Because if he feed the rage wolf inside him, he makin papers for sure.

Allyuh making it sound like punishment lol, ofcourse it isnt easy but don't forget to not let the good times pass you by.

I have lots of experience around kids and i'm glad when the time comes to hand over to the parents *whewww*, children these days are a handful. Dreads when the time comes that i have no one to hand over too.


But nevertheless, babies are so adorable.

Hand over to the parents? You din get breed de other day? Explain the joys of having a kid. They only looking at the negatives.

lol..... having a child doesn't have to be so hellish....

It isnt really like that yo.

The article was to scare non parents. Last time I heard, the bean bag doesn't say it's first word, trip b@lls and laugh at absolutely nothing, buss stale jokes for 6 years, bring home an A+, excel at something in life and then take care of you when you can no longer take care of yourself.

Yea, raising a kid is hell, and I paint a very pretty picture there, but there are rewards only a parent will know of, and it's all worth it.....unless you have a kids like some 2nrs here.

[mitsu_chick941]

Allyuh making it sound like punishment lol, ofcourse it isnt easy but don't forget to not let the good times pass you by.

I have lots of experience around kids and i'm glad when the time comes to hand over to the parents *whewww*, children these days are a handful. Dreads when the time comes that i have no one to hand over too.


But nevertheless, babies are so adorable.

Hand over to the parents? You din get breed de other day? Explain the joys of having a kid. They only looking at the negatives.

da fuq



Anyway, there are many joys to having a baby and if i hadda explain to these guys they don't deserve to have any.