stalest joke competiition

[Captainzaak]

This guy walks into a bar, and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar, but decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he asks to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"
The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."
So the customer turns to the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man to his left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX." The thirsty customer asks, "Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity marguerita. "So, what do you call your penis?" The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job 1." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The customer says, "STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!

[devrat]

A beautiful young girl comes home and says,"Ma, I got married."

Her mother says,"Oy, that's great."

She says,"But, Ma, he's an Arab."

Her mother says,"Oy, that's not so great." She says,"But, Ma, he's an arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."

Six months later, she walks in the house and says,"Ma, I love my Arab Sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is boff me in my ass day and night, that's all he'll do is bang me in my ass. When I got married, my muffler bearing was the size of a dime. Now, it's the size of a silver dollar."

Her mother says,"So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"

[devrat]

A Letter to the Men's Helpline:

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

[devrat]

The Maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I want to increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did"

Wife increasingly agitated:

"Oh he did did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.

"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora. The gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?

[K74T]

@ the boat

[mitsuboi]

‎​There was a black man, white man, and chinese man and they were
all in jail. The warden said that if there dicks put together
was equivalent to 12 inches they all could get out of jail. The
black mans dick was 6 inches. the white mans dick was 5 1/2
inches. And the chinese mans was a 1/2 inch. They got out of
jail and were talking about what happened. The black man said
you guys better be glad my dick was 6 inches. The white man said
you guys better be glad mines was 5 1/2 inches. The Chinese man
said you guys better be glad mines was hard

[Kronik]

A Letter to the Men's Helpline:

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

this is WIN!!

[devrat]

Five Swiss in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Austrian border. The.

Austrian Customs agent stops them and tells them:

"It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."

"Oh, no, Quattro is just the name of the automobile. Look at the.

Papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."

"You can't pull that one on me," replies the Austrian customs.

Agent."Quattro means 4!"

"Oh, you are so stupid! Call your supervisor over!"

"He can't come. He's busy with the 2 guys in the Fiat Uno."

[devrat]

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said "THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs. Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said "THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "Wow, that's more than twice a week!. You could learn a lot from him."

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, "That's once a day. You could really learn something from this one."

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow every time.

[rollingstock]

Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow every time.

^^^ Words to live by

[gastly369]

there are 4 men at a pub, one goes to get the next round. while hes gone the other three men start talkin about there sons

de 1st man says my son is doin quite good he is a lawyer and has just bought his bestfriend a house

de 2nd man says my son is doin pretty good, hes a pilot and has just bought his best friend a private jet

the 3rd man says my son is doin quite well, he is a actor and has just bought his best friend a farrari

the 4th man comes back and the other guys say wha does ur son do?

and he replies, oh he works in a gay bar as a stripper, the 1st guy says "not to good then" an the forth guy says oh no hes doing quite alright, his 3 boyfriends hav just bought him a house, ah private jet and ah farrari

[xtech]

A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.

Officer: May i see your licence?

Lady: what does it look like?

Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.' 

[devrat]

Was looking at a lion in the Emperor Valley Zoo.....it was lazing in the sun and licking its arse when the keeper walked up and stood next to me....
Me - is the Lion was always this docile?

Keeper - Nah boi, he is the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Just about an hour ago three fellas from the Beetham was teasing him and jus so it dragged one into the cage and completely devoured him

Me - That is unbelievable.......but why is he lying there licking his arse ?

Keeper - The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of his mouth,

[Captainzaak]

Anybody ever realize that "competition" spell wrong in this topic?

[ismithx]

never. i now see it

[sharkman121]

Anybody ever realize that "competition" spell wrong in this topic?

repost

lol

[sharkman121]

A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.

Officer: May i see your licence?

Lady: what does it look like?

Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.' 

[speedfreak44]

A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.

Officer: May i see your licence?

Lady: what does it look like?

Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.' 

[Chimera]

What's O.J. simpson's internet address?

Slash,slash, backslash,slash,slash,escape.

[rollingstock]

^^^

[devrat]

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[Chimera]

Veronica was practicing the piano when suddenly there was a loud pounding on the front door. She opened it and found a breathless cop. 'What's the matter?! ' she asked. 'Where's the body?! ' demanded the officer. 'What are you talking about? ' 'We just got a tip that some guy named Mozart was being murdered in this house. '





***************


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, 'I'm off. The man should be here soon ' Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, madam. I've come to.... 'Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,' Mrs. Smith cut in. 'Really? ' the photographer asked. 'Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies 'That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat 'After a moment, she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start? 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out! 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me 'Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results 'My, that's a lot of. ' gasped Mrs. Smith. 'Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure ' 'Don't I know it,' Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London 'Oh my God! ' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with 'She was difficult? ' asked Mrs. Smith. 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look 'Four and five deep? ' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. 'Yes,' the photographer said, 'And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in. 'Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um..equipment? 'That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work. 'Tripod????? 'Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!!

[rollingstock]

[COROLLA KID]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
'Does this taste funny to you ?'

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.
It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,

Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,

He suffered from bad breath.


This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .....

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[rollingstock]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,

Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,

He suffered from bad breath.


This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .....

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[Chimera]

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper.He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles.Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted t he speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph.He then relayed, '...and you're not going to believe this, there is a guy on a bike honking his horn trying to pass....'

[devrat]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there! '

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! '

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you stillthere?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing' replied the drunk.

[devrat]

My internal medicine doctor got me a referral to a urologist.

I went yesterday. OMG, She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy!

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I asked her why. She said, "Because I am trying to examine you!"

[mostwanted]

dude u textin ur girlfren? na dude i'm textin yours!!!

[Mr. Red Sleeper]

How do frogs die?
They KERMIT suicide.


********************

A coffin rolled down the hill in south.
It was stopped by dinner mints.
The mints stopped the coffin'.........

**********************