stalest joke competiition

[Captainzaak]

Best Firewall in the World


One human cell contains 75MB genetic information.

One sperm contains a half of that; that is 37.5MB.

One ml of semen contains 100 million sperms.

In average, ejaculation lasts for 5 sec and contains 2.25 ml semen.

This means that the throughput of a man’s member is equal to (37.5MB x 100,000,000 x 2.25)/5 = 1 687 500 000 000 000 byte/second = 1,6875 Тerabyte/sec

This means that the female eggcell withstands this DDoS attack at 1,5 terabyte per second, and only lets through one(!) data package, thereby being the best freaking hardware firewall in the world!

The downside of it is that this only small data package that it lets through, hangs the system for the whole of 9 months!

[mitsu_chick941]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the
Boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex.''



Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'
He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, '
Why are there 3 in this package?' The dad replies,
'Those are for high schoolboys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday.'


Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks,
'Then who are these for?' Those are for college men,' the dad answers,

'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.'



'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 Pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye,the dad replied,
'Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........

[mitsu_chick941]

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... The Magic Penis!'

The husband said, 'The what'?

The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!' The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic Penis, door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.

Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box..

The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said, 'Magic Penis, my crotch.'

The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'


The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right.... Magic Penis, my ass....!'

The rest, as they say, is history.

[Trini Hookah]

[mitsu_chick941]

yunno yuh like it

[Trini Hookah]

[mitsu_chick941]

my next joke -



so.....so......so it had dis fella eh, and he name vrampersad14 eh and and......



ok thanxbye

[Trini Hookah]

*blush*

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?









"Thanks, I'll never part with it!"

[Chipz]

What kind of bees make milk?
















Boobies

[Damien]

take the belt for that one

[LikaStick]

Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

[Trini Hookah]

Two atoms bump into each other. One says 'I think I lost an electron!' The other asks, 'Are you sure?', to which the first replies, 'I'm positive.'

[Stephon.]

LOL Epic physics joke

[Trini Hookah]

Q: What is the name of the first electricity detective?








A: Sherlock Ohms

[Stephon.]

.       

[neocyst]

What do u call a bear that knows martial arts......??
.
.
.
.
.
Grizz-Lee

[Trini Hookah]

Q: Where does bad light end up?






A: In a prism.

[hong kong phooey]

Ray, the gay, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, 'Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.'
Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?'

'Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno Peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a litre of prune juice.'

Ray asks bewildered, 'Will that cure me, Doc?'

Doc says, 'No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ARSE is for!'

[hong kong phooey]

This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Car doing 65 mph. with her Face up next to her Rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds !
When I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man,
I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much;
I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. !
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against
The steering wheel, it knocked my mobile Phone away from my ear
IT fell into the coffee between my legs!

Splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins,
Ruined the damn phone, Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an Important call.


Damn Women Drivers!!

[hong kong phooey]

Best Comeback Line Ever

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22-year-old white male, in a pumpkin patch, at 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a heavy drinking session when he decided to stop. 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around,' he stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence . I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin? '

'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said...

"A pumpkin? sheit ..... is it midnight already?"'

[hong kong phooey]

Married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's
> habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake
> his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for
air.
>
> Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it
> was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was
> perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that
One day he would blow his guts out.
>
> The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving
> morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs
Sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and
> neck, gizzard, liver and the entire spare parts and a malicious thought
> came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was
> sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the
> elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts
into his shorts.
>
> Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
Which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps
> as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she
> rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture
she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later,
Her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of
horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what the matter was. He
said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't
> listen to you."
>
> "What do you mean?" asked his wife.
>
> "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out,
> and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline,
and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

[hong kong phooey]

any body notice competition spelt wrong

[Mitsubishi Maniac]

Back in the days,two man talking bout who have the latest car.One say boy I have ah March.De next one, say no ah have the latest one out....ah have ah December.

*DEDS*

[CyberFive]

what do you call a fish without eyes?






























A fsh

[transporter001]

If you raise up the tail of an elephant what will you see?















the engine, cause the trunk is in the front

[zcarz]

what do you call a fish without eyes?






























A fsh

follicle stimulating hormone?

[RaidenRain]

operator: name?

muslim man: Abdul Al-Rahzib

operator: sex?

muslim man: three to five times a week

operator: no on ....i mean male or female?

muslim man: male....female......sumtimes camel

operator: holy cow

muslim man: yes!!...cow...sheep...animals in general

operator: but isn't that hostile?

muslim man: horse style....doggy style...any style

operator: ohhh dear!!

muslim man: no no ......dear run too fast!!

[biggy82]

For my sons birthday we bought him an iPod. For my daughters birthday we bought her an iPhone and for my birthday I recieved an iPad. Thinking along the same lines I bought my wife for her birthday an iRon - and thats when the fight started

[sharkman121]

[the_animal]

hahahah i like dat biscuit &cirx joke it good ..