Marriage isn't for you

[dougla_boy]

Marriage Isn’t For You
Seth Adam Smith

Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me.

Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.

I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for ten years until…until we decided no longer wanted to be just friends. I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.

Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?

Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.

Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.

My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”

It was in that very moment that I knew that Kim was the right person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day. I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.

My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.

No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”

Some time ago, my wife showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.

But instead of matching my selfishness, Kim did something beyond wonderful—she showed an outpouring of love. Laying aside all of the pain and aguish I had caused her, she lovingly took me in her arms and soothed my soul.

SKwedding394
Marriage is about family.

I realized that I had forgotten my dad’s advice. While Kim’s side of the marriage had been to love me, my side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised my wife that I would try to be better.

To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.

And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.

Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.

http://sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/mar ... t-for-you/

http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/why-man ... 42173.html

[silver]

3 Styles of Romantic Partners

Givers are people whose primary motivation is to take care of others, to make sure others are well, and to contribute to others and society. In a relationship, these are people who are always thinking about gifts for their partner, who take their partners’ interests into consideration, and who are always thinking “What else can I do for you?” They’re pretty awesome. As Grant mentions in his book—everyone likes having givers around because they are always happy to contribute and thinking of others. They understand the relationship as an opportunity to give and take care.

Givers often end up thinking there is something wrong with them when they are unhappy in a relationship. They are the ones who think they are not lovable or good enough because they take personal responsibility for making the relationship work (rather than blaming their partners). They can end up burned out and exhausted, from continuously giving at their own cost if they do not receive the support they need from the relationship.

Matchers tend to keep a balance sheet in a relationship. When matchers give they do so with an expectation of getting something in return. When they receive something, they feel like they have to give something back. Matchers are the ones who are keeping tabs, and view relationships as somewhat like a commercial transaction.They are the ones who are most likely to say something like: “I did this for you, but you didn’t do that for me” or “You paid for this, so I’ll pay for that.”

Takers are just that…takers. They usually treat people well only if and when those people can help them reach their goals. Interestingly, Grant points out that they often appear as the most charming and charismatic people on the surface. They know how to work the crowd and seduce, but under the surface they are actually motivated by self-interest. You can recognize a taker by how poorly they treat people that they believe are of no use to them. You know you’re in a relationship with a taker when you feel sucked dry for all you have (whether it’s money, affection, time etc.). Once the taker has everything they want from you, you may be relegated to the “unimportant” sphere of their life. Their primary focus is themselves.

So Who is Most Successful and Who is Least Successful?

Grant points out a fascinating fact about who, among these 3 styles, is happiest and most successful: It is givers. What about those who are least successful? Also givers! Why? Givers who learn to successfully navigate a world with matchers and takers make out great. Everyone loves givers, trusts them, and supports them when they are in need. So why are Givers also the least successful? Because some givers don’t know how to navigate that world and, as a consequence, end up taken advantage of. If you’re a giver, you’ve been there at least once both professionally and personally.
Imagine a relationship between a giver and a taker? These end up with the giver completely worn out, having perhaps spent their savings, time and energy on someone who keeps demanding more and never or scarcely provides for their partners’ needs (unless they do so temporarily because it behooves them at that moment).
So what makes a successful giver? Read Adam Grant’s book to get his complete lists of tips. One that stood out to me was the idea of being a “giver with awareness.” Awareness of what? Be aware that the world has givers, matchers and takers. Watch people’s words and actions, and you will know who is who. When you navigate romantic relationships, friendships or business partnerships, investigate which category your potential partner belongs to and don’t get blown away by first-impressions (as noted above, Takers are masters of first-impression charm). Then what? In a non-romantic situation, you can deal with Matchers and Takers by adopting a matcher-like attitude (I know, hard to do for a giver!). Start speaking in terms of “ok, we have an agreement, you do this and in exchange I will do this.”
What about in romantic relationships? I conferred with Adam Grant while writing this article and he shared the following tip about long-term love: “In the most successful relationships, both partners are givers. In other words, when a romantic relationship works, matchers and takers are focused on giving. Both partners might be giving in different ways, but they should be willing to support each other without expecting something in return. That said, when things get too far out of balance, I think we all become matchers.” Imagine a relationship where both partners are always caring for each other’s needs. Where when there is a fight, both are the first to say “I’m sorry, it was my fault.” In which both live their life with their partner’s best interest in mind. You better believe that matchers and takers are also looking out for givers so, if you’re a giver, be sure you seek one out for yourself too because you deserve it.
If you recognize yourself as a matcher or taker then—first of all—congratulations on being so honest with yourself. Of course, because of givers’ affectionate and service-oriented qualities, it is also in your best interest to have a partner who is a giver. However, I’d like you to consider 2 things:
First, givers will never be fully happy unless you support them as they support you. They will eventually feel worn out and perhaps even leave. In a recent study by Amie Gordon at the University of California-Berkeley, those who experienced more gratitude in their relationship also felt closer to their partner, more satisfied with the relationship and tended to engage in more constructive and positive behaviors within the relationship. Ultimately, for a good relationship that benefits you, you will want your partner to be happy and will want to support them in return.
Second, as Grant’s book clearly outlines, givers are the ones who end up being most successful and happy, if they watch out not to be taken advantage of. A large amount of research now shows that a lifestyle comprised of kindness and service leads to greater fulfillment as well as health and happiness. If you want to be happy and successful, it therefore behooves you too to be or become a giver.

[~Vēġó~]

17 years.....really can't complain.....

[AllTrac]

beta male thread/10

[ruffneck_12]

TL;DR

[INDAVID WORKSHOP]

27 years and going strong even with all the bumps along the way

[cinco]

beta male thread/10

in ole tanti voice "Beta yuh make a year yet?"

[sharkman121]

1yr n goin strong

[K74T]

Cool stories brosephs

[Mr. Red Sleeper]

good stuff. naive, but good thoughts nonetheless.

It still takes two highly focused/strong and mature individuals to make a marriage work.

[cinco]

1yr n goin strong

wah d eye doh see d heart doh grieve

[jusme]

1.5 months of consideration going strong :/

[sharkman121]

1yr n goin strong

wah d eye doh see d heart doh grieve

ignorance is bliss.... sometimes

[Dizzy28]

3 years crew checking in!!

[dougla_boy]

1.5 months of consideration going strong :/

[RASC]

beta male thread/10

Couldn't get past first paragraph.

[aka]

Nice articles fellas,

'marriage isn't for you' posse checkin in! lol

[RBphoto]

Sure.. you have to sacrifice everything...and magically the other person will do the same...Load of BS if you ask me. You have to look out for yourself and make yourself happy in this life. Marriage is a two way street of compromise and taking things 50-50. You get some things your way and they get some things their way, and once it is fair, you don't loose sleep about what you have to give up. My wife sent me this a few hours ago actually, and I told her the same thing. If any of you have bunk for a brother tonight, please let me know.

[cinco]

Sure.. you have to sacrifice everything...and magically the other person will do the same...Load of BS if you ask me. You have to look out for yourself and make yourself happy in this life. Marriage is a two way street of compromise and taking things 50-50. You get some things your way and they get some things their way, and once it is fair, you don't loose sleep about what you have to give up. My wife sent me this a few hours ago actually, and I told her the same thing. If any of you have bunk for a brother tonight, please let me know.

bhaigan bhai hommuh time yuh go change name

[desifemlove]

marriage is jus a piece of paper.

[RBphoto]

Sure.. you have to sacrifice everything...and magically the other person will do the same...Load of BS if you ask me. You have to look out for yourself and make yourself happy in this life. Marriage is a two way street of compromise and taking things 50-50. You get some things your way and they get some things their way, and once it is fair, you don't loose sleep about what you have to give up. My wife sent me this a few hours ago actually, and I told her the same thing. If any of you have bunk for a brother tonight, please let me know.

bhaigan bhai hommuh time yuh go change name

It is to advertise the picktcha tekoutin services bhai.

https://www.facebook.com/Rbphoto1977

[skylinechild]

*puts double barrel pump action shotgun at head and pulls trigger...

17 years.....really can't complain.....

too easy... i will stay quiet...

[cinco]

Sure.. you have to sacrifice everything...and magically the other person will do the same...Load of BS if you ask me. You have to look out for yourself and make yourself happy in this life. Marriage is a two way street of compromise and taking things 50-50. You get some things your way and they get some things their way, and once it is fair, you don't loose sleep about what you have to give up. My wife sent me this a few hours ago actually, and I told her the same thing. If any of you have bunk for a brother tonight, please let me know.

bhaigan bhai hommuh time yuh go change name

It is to advertise the picktcha tekoutin services bhai.

https://www.facebook.com/Rbphoto1977

Oh ho smood

[rollingstock]

Allthosefeels.jpg










Happily Engaged over 10yrs.

[drlancer]

my brother you couldnt have put it better, im into my second marriage and i now know what it is to have a partner/companion in my life, im finally receiving as selflessly as im giving. i intend to cherish my wife every single moment of my life!!!!

[spanish]

Twelve years together, 7 years married.

Doesn't really seem so long, come to think of it.

[skylinechild]

ib4devratwantinganailguntonailhisexwifebecauseeveryoneelsehas.jpg

[pioneer]

regards,

shiv

[~Vēġó~]

17 years.....really can't complain.....

too easy... i will stay quiet...

ah, are you judging based upon your own experiences?

then again I will consider the comment as under "kix" and put ah lol here...

[pluggie]

4 years marriage and going strong !!!