Postby wheelbarrow » November 28th, 2009, 5:37 pm
Two prostitutes are standing on a corner. One says to the other, "Ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits..
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An old couple is sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon, when the wife whispers, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"
Her husband whispers back, "Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid."
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A man and his wife were working in their garden one day when the man looked over at his wife and said, "Your butt's getting huge. I bet it's bigger than the barbecue."
With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill. Then he went over to where his wife was working and measured her butt.
"I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband felt a little frisky. He made some advances toward her, but she completely brushed him off.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
She replied, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
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Two men are fishing on a riverbank when they see a funeral procession passing by. One of the men stands up, takes off his hat, and bows.
"That was a very nice thing to do," says the second man.
"Well," sniffles the first, "we were married for 25 years."
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the frothy head.
The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened.
The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer and yells, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you little bastard!"
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Q: What's the most successful pickup line ever?
A: "Does this smell like chloroform?"
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A widow goes on her first date since her husband's death, and afterward the two end up back at her place. Once in the bedroom, she takes off everything but her black panties.
"You can touch me anywhere else," she says, "but down there I'm still mourning."
"I figured as much," says the man. He then proceeds to pull down his pants and put on a black condom. "If you don't mind, I'd like to offer my deepest condolences."
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A wild rabbit is captured and taken to a laboratory. While there he befriends a rabbit who has spent his entire life at the nicotine research facility. One evening the lab assistant forgets to lock the cage, and the wild rabbit suggests an escape. "I'm not sure," says the lab rabbit. "This is the only home I know."
"Come on," insists the wild rabbit. "We'll get laid all night long."
The lab rabbit agrees, and they hop to a field where they each bonk 50 hottie females.
As the sun begins to rise, the lab rabbit says, "I gotta get back to the lab."
"Why?" asks the wild rabbit. "Aren't you enjoying yourself?"
"Yeah, I'm having a great time, but I'm totally dying for a cigarette."
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A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" 

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it." 

Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" 

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. 

"What's it telling you now?" 

"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties…" 

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!" 

The man exclaims, "Damn—it must be broken again. It's always running an hour fast!"
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One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt, and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this offended her, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This, she decided, was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed his crotch.
With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener and the poolman."
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Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, sir!"
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Brad, a local beachgoer, couldn't even get a second look from any of the girls on the beach. So he headed over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard had any advice for him.
"Dude, it's obvious," said the lifeguard. "You're wearing those gnarly old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to get yourself a Speedo—say, two sizes too small—and drop a potato inside it. You'll have all the babes you can handle."
The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his brand-spanking-new tight Speedo and his potato, and it's not long before he approaches the lifeguard tower once more.
"For cryin' out loud," said Brad, "it's worse than before! Everyone on the beach acts disgusted as I walk by—covering their faces, turning away, laughing! What's wrong now?"
"Jeez, Brad!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!"
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Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged.
One Texan turned to the other and said "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm gonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big Texan hands and asked "Kin ya swaller?"
Gasping, she shook her head "No."
He asked "Can ya breathe?"
Still gasping she again shook her head "No."
With that he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her underwear and licked her ass. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the bit of hamburger that was stuck and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said "Ya know, it's amazin' -- that hind-lick maneuver always works!"
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One day in a nursing home, old Mr. Smith goes up to a candy striper and says, "My penis died."
Deciding to humor him, the girl says "Oh, poor baby. I'm sorry to hear that."
Two days later the girl is making her rounds and sees Mr. Smith wandering the halls with his frank and beans hanging out.
"Mr. Smith!" she cries. "I thought you said your penis had died!"
"It did. Today's the viewing."
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The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have two talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I've taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God."
The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest's house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
"Hi, we're prostitutes," say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close that Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!"
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A New York family wants to put Grandpa in a nursing home, but all the city's facilities are full. So they decide to put him in a highly touted home in Mississippi. After a few days, they call him.
"How do you like it so far?" the grandson asks.
"It's wonderful," he says. "Let me tell you about the friendly residents here.
"There's a musician who hasn't played the violin in 30 years, but everyone still calls him Maestro.
"There's a physician here who hasn't practiced medicine for 25 years, and they still call him Doc.
"And me, I haven't had sex for over 20 years, yet everybody still calls me the freaking Yankee."
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Q: What is the difference between a waitress who works in a strip club and an actual stripper?
A: About two weeks.
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A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. The husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow slightly larger every day over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?"
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A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.
"Looking at your résumé, I can see that you're more than qualified," says the interviewer. "Unfortunately, we can't have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can't hire you."
"But wait," says the man. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking."
"Then show me," replies the interviewer.
So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colors before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.
"It's great you stopped winking," says the interviewer, "but we can't have our salesmen womanizing all over the country."
"What do you mean?" asks the man. "I'm happily married."
"How do you explain all the condoms?" asks the interviewer.
"Oh, that," sighs the man. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?
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A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job.
The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?"
"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.
Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"
The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back."
The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"
From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."
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A blonde is standing in an elevator with a few other people when a man wearing a black suit steps on. It's evident that the man has dandruff problems, because it can be seen on the shoulders of his suit.
Two floors later the man gets off, and after door closes someone says, "Someone should really give that guy some Head & Shoulders."
The blonde then responds, "Yeah… Hey, how do you give shoulders?"
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One day after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, toughest, roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender.
"We got her," replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the door and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest, roughest, toughest hooker in the Yukon."
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "Well, you found her." Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner. "I don't," replied the hooker, "I just thought you might like to open those beers first."
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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of condoms—Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase.
"Olympic condoms?" she asks. "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he replies. "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold, of course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver?"
"Why silver?" asks the man. 

"Well, it would be nice if you came second for a change."
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A lady walks into a drugstore and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. 

The pharmacist says, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explains that she needs it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes get big and he says, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not—you cannot have any cyanide!"
The lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looks at the picture and says, "Ohhhh. Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription!
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Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.
One doctor steps forward and says, "I was a pediatric spinal surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities."
Saint Peter says, "Enter."
The other doctor says, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people."
Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven, too.
The third applicant steps forward and says, "I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care."
Saint Peter tells him, "You can come in, too."
As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, "But you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."
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A couple takes their young son to the circus. When his father goes to buy popcorn, the boy asks, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
"That's the elephant’s trunk, dear," she replies.
"No, Mom. Down underneath."
His mother blushes and says, "Oh, that's nothing."
The father returns and the mother goes off to get a soda. As soon as she leaves, the boy repeats his question.
"That's the elephant’s trunk, son."
"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing down there."
The father says, "Oh, that's the elephant's penis."
"Dad," the son asks, "how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
The man takes a deep breath and explains, "Well son, here's the truth. I've really spoiled that woman."
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A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.
The company president walks over to reward the volunteers.
"What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group.
The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is fix the freaking brakes on that truck."
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A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a cab driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
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A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he’s seeing what he's seeing.
A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.
The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! Are you trying to drive me crazy?"
"I'm sorry to have disturbed you, sir," she replies. "I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?" 

The woman looks at him with a coy smile and whispers, "Pepper."
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A woman goes into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. She takes the first glass and pours it down the back of her skirt. The bartender looks on in amazement as she pours another glass, and again tips it down the back of her skirt.
His curiosity piqued, the bartender quickly inquires, "Lady, why are you pouring your drinks down your skirt?"
To which the woman replies, "I've just won the lottery and this is the only muffler bearing I'm sharing it with!"
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Q: Why does Snoop Dogg carry and umbrella?
A: Fo' drizzle.
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A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened.
"Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."
"And?" asked the doctor.
"Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey—this one here looks like yours!'"
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Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Wanna go ride bikes???
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The bank manager noticed the new clerk was terrible when it came to counting money and adding up figures.
"Where did you get your financial education?" he asks.
"Yale," replies the lad. The manager is sure he's misheard the man, so he asks his question again and the man again responds "Yale."
That can't be right, thinks the manager. He decides he's going to check it out online.
"And what's your full name again?" asks the manager.
"Yim Yohnston."
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Bill and his father are out fishing and drinking beer while discussing football and NASCAR.
All of a sudden Bill says, "Dad, I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over six months."
His father, silent for a moment, slowly takes a sip of his beer and says, "Son, you better think it over; women like that are hard to find."
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A blonde, looking to earn some extra money, decided to offer her services as a "handy woman" and started canvassing an affluent nearby neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $100?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "She was just up here, how could she have missed it?"
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $100 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus."
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A 60-year-old man is getting his annual physical.
"Doc, do you think I'll live another 40 years so I can reach 100?" he asks.
"That depends," says the doctor. "Do you smoke?"
"No." "Do you drink?" 

"No."
"Do you fool around with loose women?"
"Of course not." 
"Well, then," says the doctor. "Why the hell do you want to live for another 40 years?"
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A woman's husband comes home hammered every night, and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.
One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she's waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a back rub.
"It's getting late, big boy," she says after a few minutes. "Why don't we go upstairs to bed?"
"We might as well," slurs the husband. "I'm going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway."
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A woman turns to her husband in bed and asks, "Do you love me only because my father died and left me a fortune?"
"That's crazy. Of course not," he says. "I'd love you no matter who left you the money."
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oh crap!
