stalest joke competiition

[risley93]

An elderly Trinidadian lady is in an elevator in a high rise apartment building in New York , going to visit some relatives.
A beautiful young Caucasian woman gets in smelling like very expensive
perfume. She turns up her nose at the
old woman and says arrogantly,
' Giorgio, Beverly Hills , $120.00 an ounce. '
The elderly lady with a deadpan expression says nothing.> Another young and beautiful European woman smelling expensive, enters the
lift, turns, looks down her long
pointed nose at the old lady and says
' Chanel No .5, Paris , $200.00 an ounce. '
The lift is now filled with the aroma of the magnificent scents of the
combined perfumes.
One floor later, as the Trini lady approaches her destination, she quietly
eases out a long silent burst of gas, which quickly overpowers the combined
expensive perfumes and leaves the two women with water in their eyes.
As she steps out of the elevator, she turns and says 'Shattine......$5.00 a pound

[risley93]

Michael Jackson is walking out from the operating room after his wife gave birth to their son. Michael says "Hey Doc how long till we can have sex?" The Doctor says "At least wait till he is walking Michael!!"

[bluesteel29]

risley93......

[sMASH]

risley93, dat last one killa,,,,, rip i mean r.i.p. mj

* de fella was a weirdo in life, but i did still like 'im*

[TRD...all the way]

An elderly Trinidadian lady is in an elevator in a high rise apartment building in New York , going to visit some relatives.
A beautiful young Caucasian woman gets in smelling like very expensive
perfume. She turns up her nose at the
old woman and says arrogantly,
' Giorgio, Beverly Hills , $120.00 an ounce. '
The elderly lady with a deadpan expression says nothing.> Another young and beautiful European woman smelling expensive, enters the
lift, turns, looks down her long
pointed nose at the old lady and says
' Chanel No .5, Paris , $200.00 an ounce. '
The lift is now filled with the aroma of the magnificent scents of the
combined perfumes.
One floor later, as the Trini lady approaches her destination, she quietly
eases out a long silent burst of gas, which quickly overpowers the combined
expensive perfumes and leaves the two women with water in their eyes.
As she steps out of the elevator, she turns and says 'Shattine......$5.00 a pound

BWAAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!ROFLOL!!!!!!!

[bluefete]

Ravi & Richard were talking one afternoon when Ravi tells Richard, "Yuh know, Ah t'ink I ready for a vacation. Buh dis year ah go do it a l'il different.

The last few years ah take yuh advice about where to go.

Three years ago yuh tell meh go to Venezuela. Ah gorn Venezuela and Earlene get pregnant.

Then two years ago, yuh tell meh go to the Bahamas. Ah gorn Bahamas and Earlene get pregnant again.

Last year yuh suggested Tahiti and damn, Earlene get pregnant again."

Richard asks Ravi, "So what yuh goin' an do dis year dat different?"

Ravi says,
















"Dis year ah go take Earlene wit meh."

[tool-band]

Sex in a boat = Oargasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitue = Whoregasms
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms
Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex with a lion = Roargasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with the vice president = Al Goregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = Smoregasms
Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honogasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Sex that isnt very satisfying = theres the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didnt make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Sex with a person whos got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms
Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankensteins assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms

[Country_Bookie]

A truck driver was driving his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill.

Just as he was starting down the equally steep other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center of the road, making wild and passionate love.

In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. He realized that they were not going to stop or get out of his way, so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of the truck.

He looked down at the two, still on the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could have been killed!"

Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."

[hong kong phooey]

Q. anyone know when crab running?

A. Yeah ........... When they foot moving fass fass .

[risley93]

Was At the hospital havin a talk wit Dr. Peakaboo ,she was asian . . .SUDDENLY . .she was paged to the intensive care unit . . This is how it sounded . .PEAKABOO I C U . . PEAKABOO I C U . .was so fny i threw up laughing . .serious yo!

[hong kong phooey]

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'




THE GORILLA AND THE REDNECK



A small zoo in a backwoods of Kentucky obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to
handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The
gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla
available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Director thought of Billy Bob
Burnett, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the
turtle cages. Billy Bob, like most rednecks, had little sense but
possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Director thought they might have a solution. Billy Bob was
approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the
gorilla for $500.00?

Billy Bob showed some interest, but said he would have to think the
matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would
accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Billy Bob said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips.." The
Director quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "She has to wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever'
T-shirt." The Director again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The
Director again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Billy Bob said, "I want all the children raised Southern
Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

"And last," Billy Bob said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00.

[hong kong phooey]

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"


He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

[hong kong phooey]

A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few
beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she
does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker
suggested a way to overcome that problem: 'When you get home tonight,
sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your
wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll
never mention that you were out late with the boys.'

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that
night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid
down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with
pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he
told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the
bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see
his wife sitting on the toliet.

'How did you get in here so fast?' he asked.

'Shhhhh!!!' she replied, 'you'll wake-up my mother!'

[hong kong phooey]

PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit
Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

[hong kong phooey]

A distinguished looking young lady is on a flight returning from
Switzerland. She finds herself seated next to a priest and asks "Excuse Me father, may I ask a favor of you?"
"Well of course Miss, what can I do for you?" he replies.
"Here's the dilemma, I purchased for myself, a superbly sophisticated electronic hair remover. I paid a lot of money for it. I really Went well over the limits set forth by Customs, and I fear they will confiscate it from me. Could you perhaps secret it through Customs for me under your robes?"
"I certainly could my dear, only I must warn you I really am not ever able to lie..."

"You have such an honest face father, surely they will never ask any questions of you," and with that she hands him the hair remover.
After landing they proceed through Customs and it becomes the father's turn in line.

"Father, do you have anything to declare?" asks the Custom's officer.

"From the top of my head to my waist I have nothing to declare my son."

Finding this answer a little strange the custom's officer proceeds to ask, "And from the waist to the floor, what do you have to declare?"

The father replies, "I have a marvelous little instrument destined to be used on a woman, but which has never yet been used..."

Roaring with laughter the Custom's officer says, "Go right through

father.



Next!"

[hong kong phooey]

This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"Whit wis that fur?" he cries.
"That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the name Mary-Rose written oan it," said she.
"Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the races Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on."
She seems Satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she Nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around, he says, "whit the hell wis that fur?"
"Your horse phoned!" she said.




A wee Glesga man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep,
the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm freezing and I was wondering if you Could
possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea, let's kidd-on wir married!"
"Why not," giggles the woman. "Good", he replies. "Get your own blanket!"

[hong kong phooey]

Mommy's affair ................



A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks"
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to
take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sheit again."

[Zim]

[hong kong phooey]

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...





===============



Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....


===============


Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?


===============


Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.


===============


Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...


===============


Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.


===============


Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.


===============


Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...


===============


Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?


== =============


Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.


===============


Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


===============


Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


===============


Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


===============


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."


===============


And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

[hong kong phooey]

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,

"Where did you get that car?"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents.

We know what a Porsche costs.."

"Well," said the! boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

[hong kong phooey]

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades.

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the
worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local
vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices"
attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well
then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can
get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just
go and give it a try!" The blonde headed out toward the swamps,
determined to catch an alligator.


Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over
to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman
standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward
her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and
hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.

Lying nearby were seven more of the dead creatures, all lying on
their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent
amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration,
she shouts out




"S H I T... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"

[bluefete]

The Trinidad & Tobago Fish & Wildlife Commission is advising hikers, fishers and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators/caimans while in Caroni & Nariva.

They advise people to wear noise producing devices such as little bells on their clothing, to alert but not startle, the alligators unexpectedly.

They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator/caiman.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator/caiman activity.

People should recognize the difference between small young alligator/caiman and large adult alligator/caiman droppings.

Young alligator/caiman droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.
















Adult alligator/caiman droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

[hong kong phooey]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on thebeach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had longbeen the talk of the town.



"What a peaceful & loving coupleâ€

[hong kong phooey]

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!"

-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHT BULB!
I'M A LIGHT BULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

[hong kong phooey]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, ' Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' Morris replied, "Well, to tell the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!"

[bluefete]

[hong kong phooey]

Daffy duck on a dirty weekend away, calls reception and asks for a condom.

The reception says, shall I put it on your bill?
Daffy replies...

"Don't be thucking thtupid I'd thufficate"

[Fullystocked]

"Ah police Jeep speeding behind ah bandit who now rob ah bank.,. the bandit escaped on foot.,.,., WHY / HOW!!!!!!

















He was wearing ah BOLT

[d spike]

What is brown and sticky?









A stick

[hong kong phooey]

Steve had a week off and decided to play golf every day. Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Pat,
who turned out to be a very good golfer.

They started with a few
casual bets, but by the back nine it was a full-blown competition. On the 18th
green, Pat sank her long birdie putt for the win. Steve congratulated her and
paid off his losses.
Pat asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him,
"You know, Steve, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long
time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation."

He did,
they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral
sex he'd ever had.

The next morning, they met again on the first tee
and played together again. They had another magnificent day, enjoying each
other's company and playing tight, competitive golf.

Again Pat beat
him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home. This went on all
week, with Steve narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not
unhappy.

On Friday's drive home, Steve said, "Pat, you've been great to
be with all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favour. I made
reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse
suite at the best hotel. What do you say?"

Pat burst into tears. "I
can't!"

"What? Why not?" asked Steve.

"Because," she sobbed,
"I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that part
of me yet!"

"What?!" Aghast, Steve swerved off the road, screeched to a
stop and swore madly, overcome with emotion.

"I'm so sorry," says Pat.
"You have a right to be angry with me."

"You b*****d!" Steve screamed,
his face bright red.

"You cheating b*****! All week long you've been
playing off the women's tees!!"