stalest joke competiition

[apple]

There was a young girl who lived up in the hills of Tennessee. She was about to turn sixteen, and couldn't wait to get her driver's liscense.

She had been subjected to much ribbing from her older brother, telling her that she was too dumb to get her liscense.

When the big day came around, she passed the test with flying colors.

She rushed home and asked her father if she could use the car that night so she and her friend could go in to town where all the cool kids were at.

The father said, "Sure honey, but you'll have to give me a blow-job first."

Wanting to go to town real bad, she agreed.

As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up an said "Dad your dick tastes like sheit"

Oh yea, her father replied, "I forgot, your brother's got the car tonight."

skyline child: this is sick and disgusting you should know which jokes to spread and which jokes to kill

[ravi901]

A Baptist missionary was walking in Africa
when he heard the ominous padding of a
lion behind him. "Oh Lord," prayed the
missionary, "Grant in Thy goodness that the
lion walking behind me is a good Christian
lion." And then, in the silence that
followed, the missionary heard the lion
praying too: "Oh Lord," he prayed, "We
thank Thee for the food which we are about
to receive."

[ravi901]

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and
drives women wild?






A. Money

[ravi901]

An Avon saleslady selling her products on the 40th
floor of a highrise apartment building felt a
terrible gas pain. Looking for privacy, she
spotted an empty elevator which she immediately
entered and pressed [1]. The doors closed and the
elevator started decending. The Lady cut one that
peeled the paint off the walls. It smelled so bad
it brought tears to her eyes. She reached into
her sample bag of avon products and sprayed some
pine scented room freshener to mask the terrible
odor. The elevator stopped short of the first
floor and as the doors opened, A drunk staggered
in. The doors closed and the elevator started
decending once again. The drunk started looking
around the elevator while sniffing the air and
wouldn't quit. Finally the Avon saleslady, hoping
for a complement on her pine scented room
freshener asked the drunk what it was he was
smelling.
The drunk replied: "I dont'n know for
sure lady, but I think someone just sheit a
christmas tree."

[ravi901]

How many lawyers does it take to
shingle a roof?












About 3 1/2 if you
slice them thin enough.

[evo_chic]

It was a hot day outside..so the three nuns decided to take off there clothes and bolt the door to there church.

Since there was stain glass windows, nobody could see inside, and the door was locked.

The nuns were busy doing renovations when a Thud Thud Thud hit the door.

The shocked nun ran to the door and pulled her clothes up over herself, when she asked "Who is it"?

The reply from behind the door was "Its the blind man".

The 3 nuns looked relieved when they heard he was the blind man, no sight no problem they figured, and let him in.

Upon opening the door, in entered a burly man in coveralls and said "Holy sheit sister nice tits!! ... Where do you want your blinds? "

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

X 1,000,000

[vimal_vs]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!


got this in an email

[avinashr]

a guy broke into courts megastore on sunday night...... the next morning he was found cut in half
the staff notified the police who came and found the cause of death........................



they announced to the staff........ "he fell on a SHARP TV"

[avinashr]

3 friends Curry, Currants and Tambrand went to take a drink in Smokey's........ a bandit run in and shoot up the bar........... the news report said............


Curry duck
................. Currants roll
..................................... Tambrand Ball!

[Oleander]

Y




























































Zed













































































cyat sheit and bread unda yuh moda bed

[SmokeyGTi]

I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with.

[Anil_Sooknanan]

3 ducks swimming in a private pond and police man come and lock up the 3 of them. the next day they went to court. the judge called the first one and asked what's your name sir , the duck replyed my name is Quack, the judge asked what were you doing in the pond , the duck replyed i was blowing bubbles

he called the next duck and asked whats your name sir, the duck replyed my name is Quack Quack , the judge asked so what were you doing in the pond , the duck replyed " i was blowing bubbles too

he called the last duck and asked whats your name, he then said wait i thing i could guest your name ............. Your name is Quack Quack Quack right the duck said no my name is Bubbles

[Lordshelinator]

A mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender eyes him from head to toe, "Hey we don't serve your kind here."
Mushroom, "Why, I'm a fun guy."

[saltydog]

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'

Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'

'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'

'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking?! She said, shaking her head in disgust.

'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill Tattooed on his privates?' ;

Well, One, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home And blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.

Larry is recovering in room 232 at the Hospital

[saltydog]

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari

[saltydog]

last one promise.An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead meow.The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

[Country_Bookie]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a
while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.


Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says: 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills

falling out of your bag.'


'Oh, really? Darn!' said the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can
find them. Thanks for telling me.'


'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money? 'You

didn't steal it, did you?'



'Oh, no', said the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the
football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee
through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with
my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I
say, '$20 or off it comes'.


'Well, that seems only fair' laughs the cop. 'OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way,
what's in the other bag?' 'Well, you know', 'not everybody pays'.

[jeepers]

Three Measures

By three measures a manager is known:

- The thickness of the carpet in his offfice.
- The area of his desk.
- The volume of his car's engine.

A pharmacist looks out the front of the store and sees a woman holding a bottle jumping up and down in the parking lot. The pharmacist walks out to the parking lot and asks the woman, "Whats the matter?"

She replies " I saw it said 'Shake Well' after I took it".

A market guru walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza. There the waiter asks him: "Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?"

The guru replies: "I'm feeling rather hungry right now. You'd better cut it into eight pieces."

[disturbed]

whats de biggest garment in the world???????????













ah woman's panty, it covers the HOLE of creation.

[badmanbopeep]

wat did d number 0 say to the number 8?




























y yuh belt so tight!!!

cyak cyak cyak

[N3M3SIS]

What do Chinese men do when they have erections?
































They vote.

[N3M3SIS]

One atom says to the other, "Oh my God! I just lost an electron"

The other says, "oh no, are you sure?"

and he replies, "yeah I'm positive!"

[N3M3SIS]

Why does snoop dog need an umbrella?






























fo drizzle

[N3M3SIS]

A baby seal walked into a club...

[N3M3SIS]

Whats the best time to go to the dentist?


2:30

[avinashr]

three friends who all have addictions.

a alcoholic, a smoker and a raging homosexual all fed up of their vices went to a magician to cure them. the magician said that they were cured but if they ever indulge themselves back in their vices they will die instantly.
when they left they were walking down the road, the alcoholic saw a bar and said "dat magician eh kno wah he sayin one carib eh goh kill" so he waved goodbye to his friends and went into the bar... one sip of the carib and he dropped dead.....
the smoker walking in front of the homo saw a cigarette butt on the ground " that ting still have 2 pull in it" de homo said "padna.... do fcukin bend down or els is 2 a we dead"

[sr20 sleeper]

wdf

[nemram]

razor blade and ice pick goin to ah party....
ice pick tellin razor blade.. "uh know uh looking real sharp!"
razor blade replies.. "uh hav ah point... uh hav ah point.."

[Idle_Torque]

ROFL xD............



a student went to skool on the first day of skool an wrote on the attendace sheet his name was ISSAC HUNT. so he decided to stop skool an every morning the teacher called the roll an asked for ISSAC HUNT......

[nismo_crossbreed]

What's the ultimate rejection?


















































When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.