Just yesterday we went to West Shore to get that Lung Test...and while waiting saw Dr Samuel. I told him about the WEIRD NEW RESULTS from the latest ultrasound and he said:- "Once your markers are negative (normal) I really don't think you have anything to worry about...you're fine."
"But how come there was an 11mm node there 2weeks ago and now it's gone?" I asked.
He said that it just showed up as an ordinary node probably "due to a virus or something"
Well, I'll tell you all this, ever since I found out I have cancer....nothing has been the same.
I'll explain in a moment. But the fact that the results are not showing that ANYTHING is THERE....doesn't comfort me when I'm feeling totally lousy....something HAS TO BE CAUSING THESE BAD FEELINGS.
"but you look so good! You sure you sick?" Quite a few tell me....I can be feeling so bad that I might be on the verge of blacking out...and you'll NEVER KNOW IT...why?
Because I try never to allow people to see my pain. I dread making those I love worry or feel helpless.
Since I came off of chemo last June, in the back of my mind has been the thought that one day it (cancer) would be back...and over the past few months my body would give me some really strange feelings....my back would hurt so much when I got up in the morning, or I would be fine at breakfast and then time to go downstairs to get some work done...I am flat out tired....JUST SO. Even now while I sit up on my bed to write this...my back is KILLIN ME...but here's the good part> remember I got the results from the ct scan done 4 weeks ago? They were perfect....no lumps anywhere, lungs clear, pelvic area clear, EVEN THE LUMP I had right in the center of my chest, just above my solar plexus...was GONE! And that one used to really play on my mind, because it was right next to my heart.....BUT what's been giving me the back pain is a 5cm benign cyst in my right kidney that's been there since 2011 and hasn't grown but has actually gotten smaller...so IN A WAY, I am happy to not have the lumps come back...and now don't fuss when my back is hurting me...its just that stupid cyst that I have to live with.
Some of the things that have changed for me are like: tingling in my feet and feet...like walking on needles after I take my feet out of my shoes, or the lack of strength in my arms THAT gets me down sometimes...that I sometimes drop things just like that....(its due to my muscles, nerve endings and equilibrium messed up by those chemicals I was taking for 8mths. And I used to have REAL strength in my arms and hands eh.... Also some memory loss, i'll forget stuff really easily....like...i'll go downstairs to get something and TOTALLY forget what I went down there for! And also my energy levels....I was a god-horse when it came to stamina...dem young boys in the Aranguez Savannah used to BAWL whenever I ran ball with them....I coulda RUN!!!
But what keeps me positive is REALISING that I am ALIVE!
Many who fought alongside me are GONE....and I am still here...as my Mom says " Jehovah has given you a lease" an extension you might say...because if Sharon and I didn't see that lump on my neck those yrs ago.....I would have been DEAD by now. So I have MUCH to be thankful for.
I'll let you guys in on something the strongest, most inspiring woman EVER told me....her name is Hazel Grant Ettiene Bain
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Hazel's cancer has spread to her lungs and her bones...the doctors didn't know if to give her 2 months or 2 years...and she ENCOURAGES me!
Imagine that....she is many times in excruciating pain, and will LIFT me up with her words....here are some of the things that she has told me that inspires me to fight>
I had just found out about the cancer in 2011 and wasn't all that close to Hazel...till she told me she had it too. I would tell her how afraid I was....and later when I was on chemo and feeling sooooo sick that I thought I was going to die...she would tell me:
Lemme tell you something Cliff, you're not going to die today...and I eh letting you die tmrw...but
if you think you're sick, you're going to FEEL sick, she told me that even when I was flat out in bed at the hospital...DO SOMETHING...get a book, grab a pencil...write something>
talk to the person next to you, help them cope too and also this just recently:
your worrying over what could happen a few months down the road will NOT change a thing, you cant torture yourself about what might never happen"So as Dr Samuel said...don't worry too much and I will be getting the results back from those tests I did in Grande soon....lets hope that things are not as bad as I think them to be.
In my next post i'll share some of the things I've found very helpful in my battle so far...like foods, supplements, herbal products, the mindset...the friends I've made along the way.
G'night guys.
