Living with Cancer... my pain, trials, and learning to cope.

[apple]

If I was not so tired today I'd have cried. Your courage sir is amazing.

*waits*

[V8 Boys]

I still haven't received my report from MT Hope yet. Was by the Doc all day yesterday and she gave me a hint at what might be causing me the bad feelings I've been getting lately....but I wont go into that til the CT results come in. So I'll be continuing our thread later tonight. If I haven't said it before I'll say it now: Thanks to everyone for commenting, encouraging, supporting and sharing their feelings and well wishes. Your compassion warms my heart. Will continue tonight after I get back from meeting (church).

[japzor]

I admire ur courage and strength. I happen to find this and thought its worth a look.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9bDZ5-zPtY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

[snypaz]

Said a prayer for you and yours. Keep your head up regardless of the results.

[V8 Boys]

There was NO way we were going to raise that $24,000us PLUS the $25,000 hospital & doctor fees. We did some more research and were told by Dr Barios of two other less expensive clotting agents...Ethamsylate, Tranexamic Acid and Desmopressin.

Together the 3 drugs would cost $2200us including the airfare for the company who as bringing it...to fly their courier to and from Venezuela.
Good thing too...Dr Capildeo agreed> Dear Mr. Tardieu
I agree that either tranexamic acid or aminocaproic acid is reasonable, but both drugs are in the same class (antifibrinolytic) and the combination is not widely used. Ethamsylate may be difficult to source locally but could be looked into.
I would consider DDAVP + Tranexamic Acid as coverage for the procedure, in the absence of Novoseven.
Regards
K Capildeo


Now for the funds to pay for it... I'll get to that in a minute but let me talk about my "friends".

As I had stated earlier, I had been selling stuff including a Chevy Truck (that I LOVED) to help with the costs aside from the surgery...like doctor fees etc. ( there were lots of visits to many doctors and blood tests which weren't free) Here's a pic of her>

I used all but $12,000 of the $50,000 I got for her for my medical expenses.

Here's where those "friends" of mine come in... The club I helped form...The T&TV8 Car Club decided to throw a l'il BBQ early on when they found out about my cancer....well on the day of the Q, there was NO chicken, salad, coals, sauce, fries, seasoning etc for my "benefit BBQ".
So, I took some of that Truck money...$1500 to be exact and bought those things.
No probs...we made almost $4000 from the Q...and quite a few of the guys from the club showed up. Some even gave me a contribution or two.

Perhaps this part of the thread need not be shared, but I will to help you guys see that sometimes the good you do SOMETIMES, come right back to kick you in the NUT< yes singular.
It would be some months later, while I was doing chemo, that I was looking for a truck to replace the one I sold...I had always said to myself that someday I'd own another...Gosht..I love Old Iron!
So, believe it or not, a GMC truck I had tracked down 2yrs ago was parked in a street I passed down on. I found the owner...went with my BALD HEADED, SKINNY, PALE self and asked them to sell it to me...The owner saw how eager I was and agreed..I got it for $12,000.

I got it home and looked at it from upstairs for 3months til I was able to work on it. I was going to build me another V8 Truck!

I don't know if you guys can understand that, but little things like these made me WANT to get better...it gave me something to SET MY MIND ON. I loved working on older cars...since I was small..I loved older cars>

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YUP THAT WAS ME^

Here's the thing that hurt me most...

Would you guys believe that when some of those SAME guys that came to that BBQ and used to attend those car shows I helped....heck no...the car shows I almost SINGLE HANDEDLY put on, where those BUDDIES came with their cars, ate and ole talked with me...would later say that "Clifford didn't need no money...look he gone and buy another truck with the money allyuh give him fuh the BBQ".

Another called me just after the BBQ and told me: "I've had this on my chest for a while, so I just wanted to tell you that I FORGIVE you." ( I had brought in some parts for him some months before and they came up to way more than I told him).

I thanked him, and he repeated himself. He just wanted me to know that he forgave me.
This same klong would a year later tell the person who won this car>

at our show in 2010 (which he never even came to) that he built the engine for it and that I sold it and put in another one...when he well knows that he didn't build it for free he charged me $500us to build it...that's right> a car WE the TTV8CC were giving away[/color

Up to 3am the morning of this show, I was under it, putting in the transmission...then it was off to the venue to organise and arrange the tents, signs etc....with a few of my own workers...not ONE V8 Club member showed up...til it was time for the show to start.

Someone else would tell me that one of them said that the cancer was for all the wickedness that I used to do to people before.

It seemed that there were a few who were "poisoning" what I thought was something good.
There were some who stood by me, but the majority instead of looking at all the positive I had helped accomplish...simply stood by and said "really, is true? he did that?" [color=#FF0000]oh by the way it wasn't none of the guys in the pics I shared before eh...those were my real buddies!

I cannot tell you how angry that made me feel...here I was, broke, and battling cancer and these "friends" of mine were burying me alive.

It got worse too...much worse.

[crazybalhead]

Boy, people who does lime and ole talk, and drink rum with yuh, are not necessarily yuh friends nah.

And it's well known that in times of need, most people doh show up.

Thanks for sharing. Keep strong...

[V8 Boys]

The worst gets "wor-serer"...

So we had sourced cheaper drugs for the operation but had no money to pay for it...and we didn't want to burden the 'magnificent 5" who helped me thru the first surgery...we wanted to try and gather the money ourselves.

I had one more valuable thing left to my name: My first true love...sorry my second...my wife was first! This is a pic of her>

I had put her up for sale, in the Express and also was taking her to a few car shows & drag racing events in the hope that someone would buy her and that would help with the surgery. I wasn't fully recovered from the chemo...but I was able to move around.

I had this car for 21years...brought her from St Maarten where I had lived for 10yrs...she had been through 2 hurricanes..was damaged...and I built her from scratch myself..I even took her to Grenada some years ago to drag race. I loved this car...and she was the Poster-Child for the TTV8CC>

So one day someone called me asking to see the car and was really interested... I was asking $60,000 and he said he only had $55,000. I agreed to show him the car and arranged to meet in San Juan.
As I turned the corner where we were supposed to meet, the siren of a police car blared behind me...I pulled aside, and it cut me off...2 plain clothes policemen jumped out, one of them reached in, turned the car off and had me get out of the car: "Where is the certified copy for this car? Who gave you permission to sell this car?"

I had actually sold the car almost 3 years ago to a customer who agreed to sell it back to me...on a DEAL...he never drove the car, and felt it was too much for him to handle, so he let me have her back for $20,000 cash and I would paint 2 of his vehicles for the balance.

I had given him $10,000 and painted one (1) of his cars for him...then cancer struck.
I had stopped all work at the garage, closed it down and was now trying to sell the car again, with the hope that I could pay for the surgery.

I had been occupied tryin to stay alive and we hadn't spoken for a few weeks, and when he saw the add in the papers....well, let me continue...

I was taken to Police head quarters in POS, (IN THE BACK OF THE POLICE CAR, while one of the men drove my car) where that former "friend/customer/V8 Club member was there waiting with the bailiff...and 2 officers.

There was the man, who I'd done good business with for 3years, stayed in my house, whenever he came to T'dad for the weekend, even paid for us to take that SAME car to Grenada to drag race...here he was sitting across from me...telling me that I never paid him a cent towards the car and that if I wanted it back I would have to give him the $50,000 that he paid me for it.
I asked him " But how could you have me dragged here to take the car away when you knew I have surgery next week? I couldn't transfer it anyway without paying you off?!"

He just starred at me.

Of course, I didn't have not one piece of paper, or receipt to show that I had given him anything.

What a bitter pill to swallow, I lost the car, and my surgery was 8days away.

I think that I've learned a lot from my trials, and admit that I've made some stupid mistakes...but gosh man! Satan really tries to get you down eh? My land-lady just called..my rent is late, again...and she closed by saying that things have to happen to me because I have too much "skull". Well yes! I'm off friends to see about the rent, got some work to finish off..so lemme go see about it before I have to continue our thread from under a tree! LOL!

[kurpal_v2]

Boy, people who does lime and ole talk, and drink rum with yuh, are not necessarily yuh friends nah.

And it's well known that in times of need, most people doh show up.

Thanks for sharing. Keep strong...

Boy, religion eh based on truer words that that nuh.

[~Vēġó~]

riveted....

man I truly wish you betterment.....

[urabus]

Dude u shud really write a book....there are friends and then there are 'friends'.....there is also family and 'family'.

Like many of us here, i look fwd to ur posts and i wish u all the best

Btw on a side note, just some general info for u ppl, I think October is breast cancer awareness month.

[V8 Boys]

Well I got the Jeep finished and delivered to the owner, he had another vehicle they just bounced, and I should be able to pay my rent tmrw....good..I eh go get kick out yet...ha!

It took HERCULEAN strength to "let go" of that car...I knew every nut and bolt, had fun building her and for me to lose her, was just hard. I sat there on my chair...fighting the tears.

I had to keep it to myself too...and that was also tough.
I share everything with my wife and family. But that car was all we had going for us and surgery was just a few days away. What to do, what to do....

I got on the phone and called a man who had always stood up for me....

Andre Crichlow.

I told him I just lost the Capri and that I didn't know what to do. He listened and said he'd call me back.
Seventeen minutes later, he called and said that the "friend" who took the Capri away from me would call me soon.

What? An hour later he did. I was so angry, I was shaking but I had to keep calm.

"How much is the surgery?" he asked.
I told him the bill at the hospital was $21,000 and of that $7000 was Dr Samuel's fee.

"What is Dr Samuel's number?" he asked. I gave it to him and he hung up.

In the morning Dr Samuel called me to say that he was paid via a money transfer. He may have taken my most treasured car, but he paid the Doctor who would help save my life. The car was gone...but I was still here.

Lesson? Every cloud has a silver lining.
My wife overheard me talking and I had to tell her what it was about. She didn't take it too well but at least we had the Doctor's fee paid. (This bit of stress also caused her to come down with Bronchitis - sick as a dog again with me going into the hospital for the second surgery.)

The following day, my sister told me she had been wanting to ask her old boss (who was a very $ucce$$ful businessman) to help me with my surgery....she said she had wanted to ask him, ever since the first surgery but knew she felt that that wasn't the right time.

Now...really was the right time. Guess what?

With only 3days to go before my surgery...he wired $2000us straight to my account at RBC...which had exactly $2.37.

The drugs I needed to stop me from bleeding out...were paid for THAT SAME DAY!!!

Lesson? Always make sure you have at least $2 in your account!
And a solid "fixed deposit" with the ALMIGHTY!

One of the "magnificent 5" who had earlier given towards my first surgery called me and gave me $5000.
That left us with just $9000 or so to pay the hospital.

They allowed me to have the surgery and we'd pay them afterwards.

Throughout this entire ordeal, we continuously saw how our God was working things out for us. And the more we relied on him...the more he provided for us.

That didn't mean we were never fearful you know...or anxious. It is only natural to be anxious about your health and the possibility of dying.

Lesson? "Let your petitions be made known to God, and the peace of God that excels all thought will guard your hearts and your mental powers by means of Christ Jesus".
The tests we'd been through taught all of us a lot. But now we prepared ourselves for another.

It was Saturday August 2012, and I was ready to get my left nut removed.

Going to help my wife, feed our 9 dogs, 12 cats and 3 kittens...be back in awhile.

[DFC]

Wow. Cliff man i wish you continuous strength to face your ordeal. Thanks for this man, it have me looking at life from a different perspective.

[MonsterPower]

wow man ..just wow.. had to let that tear drop while reading, thanks for sharing this ,goes to show humanity can be cruel but god has his plan.

while doing my degree in my i stayed with my aunt n uncle.My cuzin who was 16 at the time was diagnosed with lung cancer.now he has never smoked a day in his life but going thru what you are going thru.Only reason this hit me so hard was that i was the one to take him for chemo and follow up .

Great thing is he beat the odds and i know you will too ,may god give you the strength to drive the heck out of that old van one day soon.

[IvanTerrors]

hoss ppl not easy this rounds only when yuh down and out yuh really see yuh true friends. only then

[V8 Boys]

The skies that August morning were dark and ominous looking. we left home in rain...and it had been raining most of the night.
We got to West Shore at 7am..and proceeded to get ready for surgery. My "gown" with the open "bumsie" was adorned, my bloods checked...and we waited for Dr Samuel to call us into the operating theatre.

I had my dearest family with me. My mom always close. My Dad standing by. My wife....her eyes red from holding back her tears. My brother David and my two sisters; Carey and Kathryn. And Uncles, Aunts, nieces and nephews.

And then Dr Samuel calls..."Sorry Cliff, but my home is flooded AGAIN."

That was the second time that Maraval got that serious rain and the wall at Maraval Rd...opposite KFC collapsed...remember?

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Malcolm's home had been severely flooded and was in no frame of mind to be "slicing and dicin'.

"No problem Malcolm, I understand..really Bro...it's okay" I told him.

We went home and on Tuesday we were on again. This time the weather was gorgeous.

I again was "suited up" and ready for the orchiectomy...testicle removal.

Dr Malcolm Samuel was there, my family, the drugs...we were all set.
As I was wheeled into the room, I looked over at my Mom and wife..Sharon, one more time.

No words can describe how those few seconds felt, as I turned the corner and was now in the ice cold operating theatre.
The anaesthesiologist was friendly and very careful with inserting the access port for my IV lines. He had been briefed about my blood condition.
There were 2 male nurses and one female nurse.

I was nervous. I prayed for a calm heart.

"Why are you nervous?" one of the male nurses asked.
I replied: "Wouldn't you be if someone was gonna chop off one of your nuts?"

They all laughed....and then the room went dark..I was out.

[ismithx]

be strong bro...

[mitsu_chick941]

you have a gift for writing, i'll tell you that.


I admire your strength and willingness to share, our prayers are with you and yours!

[uncle sam]

....my worrrddd.. more!!!!!

[gundelero]

V8 Boys, I have a serious recommendation for you....

When you're better, why not write a book of your experience and get it published? I for one would definitely buy a copy to support you. Also, the sales would help you pay your bills as well.

Thank about it....

[redmanjp]

my uncle's funeral was today... they cremated him

RIP

2nd uncle gone to lung cancer

[V8 Boys]

Hi folks, just got back in from a very long day, running from one hospital to the other. We haven't gotten back the CT report yet, my doc called Mt Hope directly and they said I'd get it Monday. So...we wait. I will however try to write a little more tonight. Once again, thanks for all the thoughts, suggestions and comments. Eating some fish...later...I gone.

[V8 Boys]

I could remember awaking the first time...the room was spinning...and I was out again. I would awaken finally and my Mom, Sharon, Kathryn, Carey and my Dad were there. They were so happy to see me awake. It was about 6pm.

It wasn't 10minutes later, I felt like I was going to throw up. And I did. My Mom caught it with a bed pan as I started to vomit. Which happens to some people coming out of the anaesthesia....but it wasn't normal...it was blood...and a lot of it!

I was so weak and light headed...that as I put my head back...I blacked out again.
The next time I awoke, I continued to vomit blood. So much so...I felt panic.

Everyone was now very worried. This went on for almost 3 hours. Dr Samuel came...and started to administer the blood clotting drugs we had bought. I would learn later that his presence had such a calming effect on everyone there.

At 10pm...the last two times I threw up..the blood was starting to congeal, or clot. I was clotting! Thank God!

You guys must be like: What d heck?!!
Yes, the bleeding in my stomach had stopped.

Bleeding in my stomach, when I had an operation near my genitals?
The tube the nurses inserted down my throat...to syphon any fluids in my stomach....had NICKED MY OSOPHOGUS ON THE WAY IN and Malcolm said that right there on the operating table, blood was coming up through my nose. So they packed my throat with gauze, til they THOUGHT THE BLEEDING HAD STOPPED and that caused the operation to go from 1&1/2hrs to 4 hrs.
So that several hours later...all that blood was collecting in my stomach and when I came out of anaesthesia...my stomach couldn't hold it no more.
That caused my family such distress!

It was a GOOD THING we had those blood clotting agents...Malcolm had the nurses administer them to me til 3.30am.

My wife never left my side.....they brought in a chair and she slept by my side til the sun rose.

The window behind me let in that beautiful sunlight. Oh how thankful I was to be alive.
My wife awoke and we said a prayer.

A simple mistake they made, nearly cost me my life.

Do you guys think it was just LUCK or PRUDENCE that we had those drugs there?

The One who is dwelling above the circle of the earth....had been "orchestrating" things all along.

Before this...NO DOCTOR OR HOSPITAL IN THE CARIBBEAN HAD OPERATED ON A GLANZMANN'S PATIENT and done so successfully using these never before used clotting agents.

In my life, there have been sooooo many times things worked out and now here I am telling you my story.
I've had a knife pulled on me, rolled a jeep down a hill, went out in 30 foot seas to rescue people in a storm, lightening struck a roof I was on and twice I nearly got swept into the sky from a category 5 hurricane....and danced with death on a hospital bed for many a year.

We are here for a reason. Life is too precious for us to live uncaringly...lots of people to help, bigger issues to deal with than "meh cable get cut".

What sort of man would I be if I didn't share my experiences?

Three days later I was home.
A little sore and walkin "bandy legged".

I would now call myself "L'il Nut".

That weekend...my Mother in Law (who came down from Canada to be with us...and who bought us this computer) my wife Sharon and I...went to Las Cuevas to unwind from the months we had all just endured.

I was still hobbling....but I was taking in the beauty around me...the sound of the waves on the shore...the sea breeze...oh how I missed that!

And then my Mother called: "Clifford where are you?"

"I'm on the beach Mom!"

"Boy!!!! You just had surgery just a few days ago...what you doin, tryin to burst a stitch?!"

"I love you Mom....I love you!"
to be cont'd tomorrow night.

[turbo_monkey]

I am totally blown away by your story Mr.Tardieu. You sir are an inspiration to all of us. You have shown us that keeping the faith and never giving up in the face of adversity will overcome life's trials. It's also great u have the support of those around you. God Bless you and your family.

[V8 Boys]

Boy, people who does lime and ole talk, and drink rum with yuh, are not necessarily yuh friends nah.

And it's well known that in times of need, most people doh show up.

Thanks for sharing. Keep strong...

There are some who will be reading this and be wondering why I took so much time to explain how my own V8 pardners could shaft me so...and that I MUST have done them something. let me let the pics do the talking...watch the pics below and tell me if you guys see a difference.
OUR SHOW AT SKINNER PARK 2010.

AND THE SHOW AT QPS 2011, 3MTHS BEFORE I FOUND OUT I HAD CANCER

A V8 Club show, where we were GIVING AWAY a V8 Muscle Car....do you guys see what's missing? Or rather...who?

All those nice, clean V8 Club T-shirts were paid for by me, from my own money....eh eh not sponsor $....mine....2 weeks before the show. The LAST set of t-shirts everybody got in 2009 were old and faded....and that FIRST set...the club members got when they paid their $300 to join the club.

Just 2 weeks before that show, one (1) V8 Club member took it upon himself to go around telling other members and the ANTIQUE guys (who in my opinion MADE our shows special)...that I was USING them to make money. That I was tricking them into coming to the shows and pocketing the gate receipts, taking the sponsor money, distributing cases of oil from Royal Purple to MY friends and giving my family several batteries that Bosche Batteries gave to the club....and at the Festival of Sports back in 2010...that I had pocketed $20,000 from the sponsors at that show.

Hence the poor showing of V8 men at their own blasted show.

It might have been just one or two that set things in motion...but TOUT MON...everybody inclined their ear...Instead of putting water on the fire, they just added charcoal, to make it GLOW. You can also see just how much stress I was under, for that last show. The joy I had, had been sapped from me...on the day of the show...when only a handful of the guys showed up to help. And many saw it in my face.

Some friends huh?

Finally on this sour chapter...the only reason I'm disclosing all this now, is so that when I go....that at least...some will know the truth...and that's all that matters to me. My name has been tarnished by a few....but my efforts, hard work, commitment and motives...have remained for all to see. I did all that because I loved to see people come together, the young the old, people from all backgrounds and colours.

This is what I helped accomplish, please watch>



we continue tonight. What I've been doing since my last operation....

[AllTrac]

every time you post its very inspirational, you are unbelievably strong, it really puts things into perspective, ive shared your story with many.

[TRAE]

Soulya i dont know you but your story needs to be shared and needs to go viral

[V8 Boys]

We needed to take a break...so my wife and I stayed at a friend's home this weekend. I should get the results from my CT scan today and put an end to the continuous anxiety we've all been under these past 3 weeks. We always hope for the best, but even if the results aren't what we were hoping for..then we put on our "gloves" and get back in the ring. Talk to you guys later. Thanks soooo much for sending me the messages encouraging us to keep up the fight.

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Allyuh eh see the size ah dat Zaboca?!

[V8 Boys]

got the results from the Ct Scan today.....just got home after a long and anxiety filled day, will update you guys later tonight, promise.

[~Vēġó~]

awaits....where you getting zaboca this time?

[V8 Boys]

Before I continue from where I left off, I'll let you guys know how today went.

We got to NRC at 9am. I went right away to get my bloods checked. I had them checked just Thursday, but with cancer the docs want current tests all the time. Because cancer has been called "the silent killer" (which means that it can develop and damage your body and its organs without being detected, for years and by the time its detected...its too late) it is important to continually monitor your blood levels and cancer markers.

A little stick and the blood sample was off to the in-house lab. Now back up to the Doc....there were about 40 people there so we had to wait.
As the attending nurse passed I would give her a l'il nudge..."Doc got the report from Mt Hope?" "she'll see you just now" was the reply. As a regular there, almost all the staff knows me and I always show appreciation for the hard work, consideration and care they have been giving me these past 2 years.

The hours would tick by...10, 11, 12pm, 1.30...my wife and I grew tired, every time someone else went in to her we'd agonise....we were so nervous.

Since last week, we'd been tormenting ourselves with the probable outcomes.
My bad feelings were intensifying. The sides of my neck would swell up at different times of the day, I'd get tired easily. And the tightness in my chest got worse as the night came.

These past few days have been harder than when we first found out about the cancer. Why?
Because all cancer patients who've been through chemo...and have had a good response from the treatment, ALWAYS wonder when the cancer will come back.
And because cancer comes back stronger than before, we are mostly terrified of doing chemo AGAIN. And because the cancer develops immunity to the chemicals you used in the first treatment, the second treatment requires you take even STRONGER chemicals to combat the cancer.

I barely pulled thru the first set....how would I survive the second? More frightening questions...I began to visualise myself down the road....getting weaker and weaker every day...my Mom by my bedside, as she was for Joshua.
I cannot relate how these thoughts have been haunting me....

I do have faith...faith that if I should die today or tomorrow, that Our loving Heavanly Father would remember me in the resurrection. Yet...the finality of death is a very strong emotion. And by my sharing this, I'm allowing you all to know how tough it is for those that suffer.

I am in no way, the sickest person on the earth, nor the bravest...nor the weakest. I am alive and I will be tomorrow. What I am doing here comforts me and hopefully gives someone else a reason to hope.

Because my neck was swollen we thought it might have gone to my thyroid and because my chest was hurtin, we thought it was in my lungs.
Thyroid Cancer...or Lung Cancer. Oh how my mind ran away at night. I would do the research and see that virtually NO ONE survives lung cancer for more than a few years.

My Mom would call and comfort me, encouraging me to keep trusting in our God Jehovah to work things out. He had brought me this far. Surely, He would do so again.
Still, each night I would go to sleep with thoughts that kept me awake.
My wife Sharon had lost her father and just 2months ago,when we were taking a break in Tobago, her mother called her from Canada to say that her favourite brother, Ronnie had drowned scuba diving in a lake. He was such a cool guy. When we lived in St Maarten he come would visit us...and he and I would go spearfishing together. We were very close. He was a good man.

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See you again soon Ron Brow....soon.

I had to fight one more time...God knows that Sharon couldn't handle another tragedy.
This thought scared me so.
I would lie there on my bed, fighting the tears...tryin to not let her see my fear. I had to get these thoughts out of my head.....but something more powerful than my will to survive was eating away at me.
I prayed my self to sleep.

Doctor Nimrod stuck her head out the doorway: "come Cliff".

As we sat down...we both looked at Doctor Nimrod....

"Your scans were clear, no residual tumors.....nothing. A good report."

gonna take a bath guys, be back in a bit...