Jack Warner Indicted For Corruption By United States With The Help Of Charlie Charlie Demon
Social Media lit up this morning when news broke through international media that Jack Warner, former UNC Chairman and FIFA Vice President, was among the 14 persons indicted for corruption and other crimes by the US Department of Justice. What is not being reported, however, is that the federal court was convinced of Warner’s crimes beyond a shadow of a doubt after receiving confirmation from the popular Mexican demon, Charlie.
The Late O’Clock News stumbled upon this information by pure chance. After setting up the demon channeling compass, we intended to ask Charlie which of the nation’s leaders would be elected as the next Prime Minister of Trinidad and Tobago between the Honourable Kamla Persad-Bissessar, Dr Keith Rowley, Abu Bakr and Jack Warner. After asking the question two times, the pointed side of the pencil shifted, hovering back and forth over Abu Bakr. Our staff felt hopeful for the future of our great nation. Suddenly, the pencil spun over to Jack Warner, shook violently over his name, and burst into a green flame out of which spoke a voice.
“I am Charlie,” said the voice. “I know you asked about the next election. Abu Bakr is going to win. But there is something more important for me to note here. For years – YEARS – FIFA officials have escaped charges for their obvious corruption. Is it any coincidence that in the week of my return, when male teens everywhere sought my omniscience to ask whether I thought their penises were big, the Department of Justice was able to indict these men? Charlie says NO.”
The United States Department of Justice, however, denied using the demon Charlie in their investigations. “The United States is a great Christian nation. To ask for the help of a demon would be bad in itself, but not as bad as asking the help of a Mexican demon. We would quicker ask a Jewish demon, or even a Black demon, before we ask a Mexican demon for help. When we need our lawns mowed, then we would think about summoning Charlie for his uncle’s phone number.”
Charlie warned us that the US DoJ would say this. “They will never admit to asking a Mexican for help.”
Charlie said he is not usually a snitch, but he was eager to sell out Jack Warner to the United States after Jack fumbled on his promise that FIFA would host the next World Cup in Mexico.
