stalest joke competiition

[jramsarran]

Got this in an e-mail




Raisin Bread


A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.

Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man,
"Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."

[Ronaldo95163]

ah man was walking and he ded

Why was the baby guava lonely?
His parents were in a Jam

[mindxlabz]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by their neighbors, in the weeks that followed, an American Archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their Ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".

One week later, the Trinidadian authorities reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Penal, Debe and Chaguanas, Ram Beharry, a self-taught archaeologist and former cemetery attendant, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Mr Beharry has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Trinidad had already gone wireless."

And then everybody pass we back and leave we on GSM

[rollingstock]

A woman in labor is screaming @ her husband:
He says: "Hey, dont blame me. I wanted to put it in your arse..but Noooooo!!! U thought THAT MIGHT HURT !!!!

print and save

[mitsu_chick941]

once upon a time there was a dude named rolling





















and he was stock

[rollingstock]

Aye doh be on me nah dannette

I still though

[Lancer01]

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school.

[speedaholic]

^^ LMAO!

[rollingstock]

[Bizzare]

.....

[Bizzare]

win!!

[S_2NR]

[honda hoe]

[rollingstock]

^ That sounds just like a Trini

[skylinechild]

A woman in labor is screaming @ her husband:
He says: "Hey, dont blame me. I wanted to put it in your arse..but Noooooo!!! U thought THAT MIGHT HURT !!!!

hmmmm...strokes bearded chin with a rasied eyebrow facial expression......

sabriel.....i wonder......

[Bizzare]

A woman in labor is screaming @ her husband:
He says: "Hey, dont blame me. I wanted to put it in your arse..but Noooooo!!! U thought THAT MIGHT HURT !!!!

Daz d end? Lol.
Daz d normal scenario.....

[Bizzare]

[Caído]

A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet. His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.

Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.

"How come you are sweating?" he asks.

The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

[rollingstock]

^ lmao

[Bizzare]

[Goolie]

[Sky]

Woman calls a computer technician to query a problem. So the technician asked the woman "What type of windows do you have mam"? The woman replied" Louvars"...

The library attendant in school hit me that line when I asked about their pc's. I stand there with a straight face while she snickered. So I stole a Book.

[Mudboy]

Good one Poon.....

[rollingstock]

So Amrik and Charline got married, but Amrik had a sinking feeling soon after the wedding that Charline was being unfaithful but had no proof to prove it.
Whilst on the construction site one day his fellow workers were discussing women and sex, the discussion naturally progressed to infidelity, Amrik did not contribute in fear of revealing his own problems but listened intently. The guys started discussing how to prove beyond a doubt if your partner is cheating or will cheat, they all agreed that a woman with Brown eyes will at some point be unfaithful as it is destined.
Amrik sat and pondered but he could not remember what colour Charline eyes were. Consumed by fear he faked a sickness and left work early, heading straight home to appease his mind.
At home Charline was getting it on with her outside man and did not hear Amrik arrive, he was already inside the house and too late to get dressed or make up the bed, she made the hornerman hide under the bed and she feigned being asleep.
Amrik entered the bedroom and being apprehensive of what he may discover, decided not to wake his wife, he approached her quietly and stooped next to her, before checking he prayed to God that his wife would have any other eye color but Brown because he loved her so. Lifting her eyelids Amrik was shocked at seeing the largest most piercing Brown eyes belonging to his wife and exclaimed, "Fcuking BROWN!"

































From under the bed the hornerman uttered in a broken and frightened voice...................


































"How de fcuk you know is me Brown under de bed?"

[Sasquat007]

so ah couple gettin married , an cermony goin on somebody pass an take up d ppl ring , so dey say some1 must b take it up by mistake an dey ent wa put it back , so dey say dey goin an take off d light put back d ring on top d panio , aa u know when dey take off d light an put it back on dey thief d panio !

[ismithx]

Sabriel, you win!!!!!

[Victory_Specification]

What's green, slimy, and smells like bacon?














Kermit's finger

[dan80]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool.

Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.

I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is,
Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

[Habit7]

Nick Helm's password joke is Edinburgh Fringe funniest

Comedian Nick Helm has won an award for the best joke of the Edinburgh Fringe.
The up-and-coming funnyman was given the prize by digital TV channel Dave, whose panel put a selection of their favourites to a public vote.
He won for the joke: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."
Last year's winner, quick-fire joker Tim Vine, was beaten into second place by Helm.
Helm said: "I knew my joke was the funniest joke of all the other jokes in 2011.
"Thank you to Dave and all the people that voted for proving me right."
Veteran entertainer Paul Daniels won the wooden spoon for the worst joke of the festival.
He won the dubious honour for his gag: "I said to a fella 'Is there a B&Q in Henley?' He said 'No, there's an H, an E, an N an L and a Y'."
The top 10 festival funnies were judged to be:
1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."
2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."
3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."
4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."
5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."
6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."
7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."
8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."
9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."
10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."

[url]http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-14646532[/url]

[BrotherHood]

A gravedigger buried a man today and later in the night he went to retrieve all the deceased man's jewellery. He dug up the whole, went down and relieved the deceased of all his gold jewellery. Feeling satisfied, he nailed back down the casket cover and proceeded to climb out the grave.

He felt something holding him back , and fought and fought, yelled and screamed in an attempt to get out of the grave. The gravedigger ketch a heart attack and dead...................





















The gravedigger nailed piece of his shirt down to the casket.