stalest joke competiition

[SNIPER 3000]

What do you call an ant in a garden...............










A plant

[doggal]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.


The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or
bottle-fed.


'Breast-fed,' she replied.



'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.


She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.


Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,


'No wonder this baby is underweight.



You don't have any milk.'


I know,' she said,


I'm his Grandma,


but I'm glad I came.

[kaiger]

wa u does call ah HUGE ant!!

























a GIant!!

[hong kong phooey]

Manning ask a lady for sex and she said manning if u cud raise meh skirt as high as food prices pull meh panty down as low as meh pay, get ur iron as hard as these times , make me break like how u does break ur promises an fcuk me like u fcuking up d country, this cnut is yours!!

[hong kong phooey]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long no matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said:

'Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.... And you're single. Just let it go.'

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.

Whispering.....

Dave.......

Dave.........

Dave.......

Dave .........>

.........you're a VET, Dave.

[varung]

hahahah

[Zed Sqd]

for the grlz and queer tuners...


pink pink yuh panty stink !

[hong kong phooey]

Should children witness child birth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic ask Kathleen, a 4-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

She pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed
4-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place......... smack his ass again!'

[hong kong phooey]

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!


Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a
well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm
broke!' and
proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
wide open.. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have
at least
seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse
manure onto my hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning....What part
of 'broke' don't you understand?'

[BessD]

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!'

The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.

The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The guy remarks, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

She says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!'

hahahahahahahahahaha

[larafan]

what u call a woman with one leg?














eileen

[hong kong phooey]

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say
the following:

'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I
come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and
pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex
obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't
speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.'

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.'

[^^!SPAWN!^^]

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say
the following:

'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I
come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and
pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex
obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't
speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.'

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.'

[hong kong phooey]

*THE GOOD, BAD AND UGLY*

*Good : Your wife is pregnant.
**Bad : It's triplets.
**Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.*


*Good : Your wife's not talking to you.
**Bad : She wants a divorce.
**Ugly : She's a lawyer. *


*Good : Your son is finally maturing.
**Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
**Ugly : So are you.*


*Good : Your son studies a lot in his room. *
*Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.*
*Ugly : You're in them.*


*Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.*
*Bad : You can't find your birth control pills. *
*Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.*


*Good : Your husband understands fashion.*
*Bad : He's a cross-dresser. *
*Ugly : He looks better than you.*


*Good : You give the "birds and bees" talk to yourdaughter.*
*Bad : She keeps interrupting.*
*Ugly : With corrections.*


*Good : Your son is dating someone new. *
*Bad : It's another man.*
*Ugly : He's your best friend.*


*Good : Your daughter got a new job.*
*Bad : As a table dancer. *
*Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.*
*Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.**

[puta civic]

young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.





On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.


He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.. so... whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.





A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, I want to try someting I have heard about from other gurls... Numbah 69."


More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... "You want... Garlic Chicken with steam vegetable?"

[fuzz_174]

^^^

ROFL

[MBC Autotronix]

^^^ROFL

[eekipoo]

Why did the pony drink cough medicine??





























Because he was a little horse......

[Michael Knight...]

What do you call two peas in a pot?
































































































































TWO PEAS IN A POT.

[^^!SPAWN!^^]

THE LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately
walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
explained.

'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
and saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered,
sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

[^^!SPAWN!^^]

SUGAR DADDY

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
> evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he
> was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
> The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and
> showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I
> want something very special."
>
> At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
> another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the
> jeweler said.
>
> The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
> excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
> The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,
> by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll
> write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and
> I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
>
> Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
> "There's no money in that account."
> "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine
> the weekend I had.....???"

[John_Doe]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[N_A_K]

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom. I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here.'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question:
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me. I figured I could politely end the conversation. I say:
'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say, nervously:
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!'

[N_A_K]

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom. I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here.'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question:
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me. I figured I could politely end the conversation. I say:
'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say, nervously:
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!'

[N_A_K]

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom. I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here.'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question:
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me. I figured I could politely end the conversation. I say:
'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say, nervously:
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!'

[N_A_K]

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom. I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here.'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question:
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me. I figured I could politely end the conversation. I say:
'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say, nervously:
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!'

[N_A_K]

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom. I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here.'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question:
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me. I figured I could politely end the conversation. I say:
'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say, nervously:
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!'

[N_A_K]

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom. I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here.'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question:
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me. I figured I could politely end the conversation. I say:
'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say, nervously:
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!'

[N_A_K]

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom. I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here.'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question:
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me. I figured I could politely end the conversation. I say:
'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say, nervously:
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!'

[N_A_K]

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom. I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here.'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question:
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me. I figured I could politely end the conversation. I say:
'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say, nervously:
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!'