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stalest joke competiition

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Mark!
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Re: stalest joke competiition

Postby Mark! » May 3rd, 2011, 5:46 am

HAHAHAHAA

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Re: stalest joke competiition

Postby Phone Surgeon » May 3rd, 2011, 7:08 am

Anton wrote:Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk." "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree!" "Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget." "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.

Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, "Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!" "Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?" "Pepe... ees not a bacon tree... ees... ees... aes a ham bush...!"

:lol: :lol: :lol:

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Re: stalest joke competiition

Postby drawersdropper » May 3rd, 2011, 7:45 pm

Big shot trini, Joe, grew up in america, then went away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back trinidad because he felt he could be a big shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office among the big sawatees.

The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to create a big impression for this new prospective client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe grab up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Supreme Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be making the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide the necessary support."

He went on playing himself, "Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."

The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently and quite unperturbed as Joe rattled instructions filled with endless legal jargon. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from the telephone company, I came to hook up your phone."

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Re: stalest joke competiition

Postby drawersdropper » May 3rd, 2011, 7:45 pm

A young Trinbago Yankee was having a conversation with a Trinidadian one day and told him that she had returned to Trinidad to get married. He couldn't understand why after living abroad for so many years she couldn't find a nice man to marry instead of coming back to Trinidad.

She eventually told him that she was getting married to a "Mexican doctor" (in a very pronounced American accent at that). Well the guy couldn't believe what he had heard and told her."A Mexican doctor! But girl, ah real happy for yuh. Yuh real do good for yuhself!".

Eventually the day of the wedding came and the same guy who she told about the wedding decided that he wanted to pass by and see for himself how things were proceeding. He however noticed that all that was playing at the reception was dub music. He couldn't understand how they would only be playing dub music and the guy was Mexican, so he decided to ask someone about it.

He said, "Hear nah...how come dey playin so much ah dub, an de fella is a Mexican doctor?". The other person said, "Mexican doctor?...man... de fella is a maxi conductor!!"

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Re: stalest joke competiition

Postby drawersdropper » May 3rd, 2011, 7:46 pm

Two Trinis go hiking and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer.

After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener.

The first Trini turns to the second and says,

"You hafta go back and get de opener or else we ain't go get any Carib."

"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you go eat all de food."

"I promise I won't," says the Trini.?Just hurry nah man!"

Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second Trini.

Exasperated and starving, the first Trini digs into the sandwiches...

Suddenly, the second Trini pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I not going!!

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Re: stalest joke competiition

Postby drawersdropper » May 3rd, 2011, 7:47 pm

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized. Well, said the Director, we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub.
Okay, here's your test:

1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the cup."

"Noooooo.." answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

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Re: stalest joke competiition

Postby drawersdropper » May 3rd, 2011, 7:49 pm

A man walked into a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant in Trinidad and "passed out" on the floor. People gathered around to help him by fanning and doing everything they could to help him regain consciousness.

Someone peeled an orange and started squeezing the juice into his mouth, whereupon the man suddenly came back to life, pushed the person away and yelled:

"if ah did want orange, ah woulda fall down in de market."

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Re: stalest joke competiition

Postby drawersdropper » May 3rd, 2011, 7:50 pm

Three men were sentenced to die... a Chinese, a Jamaican, and Trinidadian.

On the day they were sentenced to hang, the priest asked each man "what's your last wish?"
The Chinese man said "Give me a moo goo gai pan."
After he ate the meal, they hung him.

The Jamaican was next.
He said "give me some ackee, saltfish and jerk chicken."
After he ate his meal, they hung him too.

The Trinidadian then gave his last wish.
He said: "Well, its a very long time that I haven't sucked a mango."

The priest replied: "Sorry, its not mango season."

The Trini replied: Well, I will wait."

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Re: stalest joke competiition

Postby Scoobert Bauce » May 3rd, 2011, 8:38 pm

mitsuboi wrote:‎​Man asks a prostitute "how much". She says: "$50 on da bed,$30 on da sofa and $10 on da grass". He gives her $50 she says: "u're a man of class ." Man replies: "class my ass. 5 times on da grass.

LMFAO

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Re: stalest joke competiition

Postby Prototype-Tuner » May 3rd, 2011, 9:05 pm

rollingstock wrote:Image

lollzz

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Re: stalest joke competiition

Postby mitsuboi » May 9th, 2011, 9:25 pm

‎​Man offers a drink to a woman in a party.| Woman: No thanks, whisky is bad for my legs.| Man: Legs? That's strange, do they pain or swell? | Woman: No, they spread! |

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Re: stalest joke competiition

Postby mitsuboi » May 10th, 2011, 8:37 am

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.

"WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked..

"MAN: "How much?

"WOMAN: "$90,000.

"MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.

"WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it.

"MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it's what you really want.

"WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?

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Re: stalest joke competiition

Postby mitsuboi » May 11th, 2011, 8:00 am

One day a sad monkey wanted to end his life....so, he went up to a sleeping lion and put his finger in the lion's ass.....the lion woke up angry and roared,
Lion: Who did that ? Who has called for his death ?
Monkey: Its me.
Lion: Did anyone see you ?
Monkey: No.
Lion: Ok, do it again.

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Re: stalest joke competiition

Postby COROLLA KID » May 11th, 2011, 8:06 am

A guy broke into my appartment last week.. He didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels..


2 women talking. 'Do u look @ ur husband's face when u have sex?'' I did once & he looked really angry.' 'Why angry?'' Because he was watching from the window.'


2 soap on a date.the male soap says to the female soap "could i have your palm-olive" to which she replies "not in this life-boy"

a horny husband was helping his wife setup her new computer. while entering he password he entered "MYPENIS". his wife fell off the chair laughing uncontrollably when the computer returned an error "NOT LONG ENOUGH"

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Re: stalest joke competiition

Postby COROLLA KID » May 11th, 2011, 8:21 am

An Indian goes to Australia and goes to Woolworths grocery store. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.

The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food.


The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out.

Again, the Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog, and he will probably feed dog food to his kids. He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food.

The Indian goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

Next week the Indian comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.

The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately takes it out. He shouts at the Indian, “What the F***k is this? Is this sheit? You %^$* bastard !!!!!!!!”

The Indian calmly replies, "Yes it is. I want to buy toilet paper, and I don’t fell like going back home! "

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Re: stalest joke competiition

Postby sr20 sleeper » May 11th, 2011, 9:14 am

^^^^ :lol:

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Re: stalest joke competiition

Postby young21 » May 11th, 2011, 12:06 pm

what do u call a no foot dog :?:
















call him .......... what yuh want he could never come..

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Re: stalest joke competiition

Postby mitsuboi » May 11th, 2011, 4:49 pm

‎​A lil six year old girl and her seven year old friend walked in her parents bedroom and caught her mom giving her dad head.>=) The little girl pissed off, turned 2 her friend and said shaking her head8-| Imagine...That beyotch beat my ass yesterday 4 sucking my thumb!">:O

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Re: stalest joke competiition

Postby biggy82 » May 16th, 2011, 12:53 am

Real dictionary meanings:

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

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Re: stalest joke competiition

Postby turbosingh » May 16th, 2011, 7:15 am

mitsuboi wrote:One day a sad monkey wanted to end his life....so, he went up to a sleeping lion and put his finger in the lion's ass.....the lion woke up angry and roared,
Lion: Who did that ? Who has called for his death ?
Monkey: Its me.
Lion: Did anyone see you ?
Monkey: No.
Lion: Ok, do it again.

:lol: :lol:

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Re: stalest joke competiition

Postby mitsuboi » May 16th, 2011, 6:05 pm

Big up to biggy82

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Re: stalest joke competiition

Postby Kiro_lee » May 16th, 2011, 6:52 pm

3 mice in a pub having a heavy discussion about who's the hardest mouse.1st mouse says he is, "i go up to mousetraps rip the cheese out and as the bar comes down i bench press it 30 times and throw it across the room!"2nd mouse says: "you big girl" I get rat poison, crush it into powder & snort it."3rd mouse finishes his drink, gets up and walks 2 d door, where are you going? asked the other 2. "Home, to f*?k d cat

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Re: stalest joke competiition

Postby biggy82 » May 16th, 2011, 7:41 pm

OLD’ IS WHEN…
Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,’ and you answer, ‘Pick one; I can’t do both!’

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face

‘OLD’ IS WHEN….
You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
‘Getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take any fibre today.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car in the parking lot.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
You are not sure if these are facts or jokes?

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Re: stalest joke competiition

Postby biggy82 » May 16th, 2011, 7:42 pm

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was just the right shape for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,..............................'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.

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Re: stalest joke competiition

Postby nos_specialist » May 17th, 2011, 9:34 am

bwahahahahahahaha

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Re: stalest joke competiition

Postby biggy82 » May 18th, 2011, 12:06 am

Married life blues:

My wife's been moaning that I never do anything to take her breath away any more, so tonight I have hidden her inhaler.................lets see how the rest of the night pans out!




Danraj goes to doctor having problems with premature ejaculation. Doc gives him a starter's pistol and says "when you feel yourself cumming give yourself a fright by firing it in the air to prolong the sex."

2 days later the doctor sees him again and asks how it went. Danraj says "not good. We were in a 69 and i felt myself start to cum, so i fired the gun. My wife sh*t in my face, bit the end off my pr!ck & Santana came out the wardrobe with his hands up!"




Bought my son an iPad, my daughter an iPod. The wife got me an iPhone and I got her an iRon. She wasn't overjoyed even after I explained it can be integrated with the iWash, iCook, iClean network. This opened the iNag reminder service which totally wiped out the iSex function

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Re: stalest joke competiition

Postby zcarz » May 18th, 2011, 3:56 am

^^hahahaah

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dan80
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Re: stalest joke competiition

Postby dan80 » May 18th, 2011, 4:51 pm

ah liverpool fan ask me the time....i tell him is 19:18 :lol:

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Re: stalest joke competiition

Postby homeboy » May 20th, 2011, 1:19 am

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN !!



The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see RockCity and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

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Re: stalest joke competiition

Postby sharkman121 » May 20th, 2011, 1:26 am

dan80 wrote:ah liverpool fan ask me the time....i tell him is 19:18 :lol:


:? :? :? :?

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